LVYN

Last Chapter: KILL LOVE

2007-04-04T19:18:00.000+08:00

This is the last entry to this blog... I dunno y i wan to end, maybe becos i wan this entry to be always on top...thanx bloggy...
It had been the worst time in my life...first time i nearly gone crazy n died...i kill the love in her n let her change into another person... my fault...but not all...i felt so betray... wat's the truth... who's lying...my heart is dead,can't love her anymore...tt's it...(sorry this paragraph not much ppl will understand...)
Haiz wat happen ah, i dun trust her... my fault... i treat her no good my fault...but not all my fault... better not say too much about who's fault here...pointless... just to tell all couple... if choose to be with someone u love, be faithful... dun ever betray ur love one... make him or her part of u, ur family, no matter wat happen, be there for them...just like ur child... how hard the situation is,hold it through...trust each other, if u love, if not then dun love... dun do anything tt make it suspicious to him or her,so there will be more trust...communicate truely,comprimise, everything will be fine...n one last thing,dun ever give up untill they give up...this is wat i learn la...
Wat left with me is memories...nvr can be erase, i have to accept... n carry on with life... put in true love in the future her...erm tt love is a treasure, c who gets it... every tomb have a photo, so later when i had my com back i will put all the memories photo here,it's the end of this blog, this love...

This is all those we take... nothing else...ya think still got some recent one, but dunno y my fucking phone throw me temper... not really good in making these kind of things... seems funny ba, but nvm, i dun think u care...

Eve, seriously i trust u about tt matter la, i dun believe u will do tt kind of things to betray me, but i have no choice to believe zhe... if i dun, i can't hate u, if i can't stop hating u, i will not change into another person, if i dun change, i will still love u... u r part of me, now is just like ripping part of me off while i'm still alive... i love u, i wan u... i wan u onli...dun leave me.... pls!!! haizzzzzz.... untill now i'm still crying... dun we have happy memories? looking at the photos, n think it back, didn't i show my love to u? i cried all day long becos all this memories r so beautifull n happy, but they r onli memories tt nvr going to happen with me n u again... watever... most probably u won't c till this paragraph, most probably u c already then just walk off, most probably u won't even c... i write for myself to c onli la... haha... all my tears for u r true... from the start, i treasure all the moments... when i'm bao ronging u, when u r bao ronging me... tt's love, onli now tt u can't bao rong me anymore le, but i still can bao rong all ur past... i know i truely love u... thanx for everything, n sorry for wat i have done...

Tt night go meet esther, talk cock sing song la... then she know everything la... she ask me, if u come back to me will i accept? i say definately no... but she say her instinct says tt i will... now i know it's true, i will accept u, but i know u won't come back... so i promise: " if eve comes back to me b4 i start another truthful relationship,no matter wat, i will love her forever, shower her with all my love, n definately make her my wife..."

Hehe... ting, impossible de la, so dun worry, i will move on...

Chapter182: Alone away from this world...

2007-03-05T01:48:00.000+08:00

Have been long long time i nvr blog liao... ya... busy, depress, dun even have to mood to type much... been to the ground of life... but getting well before cny... been with eve for a year past... things get better...getting richer... but the pressure still coming... at least i am getting up n carry on again... dunno how am i now, but at least i'm happier now n slowly going to the next stage...
As i'm getting to the next stage, i get to c alot of things... somethings just can't use words to explain... somethings r repeating but the main character change to me... tt time i nvr do it this, but will he? tt time she nvr do it this way, but will another she do it this way? i realli dunno... is there realli a way tt will solve all type of things? is extreme logic a realli intellegent? can a person live without emotion? wat a stupid question? i actualli know it myself... a person can't live without emotion, especailly when u wan to achieve intelligent, becos great intelligent is making extreme logic with extreme emotion, and vice verser...
I had 2 main path, but split into lots of section... how rich i wanna be, i wanna be the richest man in the world... i dunno whether i can make it, but i will nvr make it if i dun try... if i wan i must do it fast... but the fast way my gal dun permit... there's no other way... i dunno how... like her dad so rich? ya great, but not great enough... i dunno how... which way? become poor but happy? possible...safe n steady...but slowly... seems the best way... i will still be happy... having a relationship is a blockade... wat will the world be like next time? maybe i will not be with her... i dunno...but i still love her deeply n she loves me deeply... wat should i do? haiz... think i should take it easy... n continue with love, but wat if tt thing happen? if onli i'm alone, i will do everything my way... n i'm not afraid anything tt they do... keke, b4 i have her i think exactly opposite... human is so funny... u have passion in doing something, but when u do alot, u will be tired... like cooking as a career, driving as a career, serving as a career... no matter wat career u choose soon u will be sick n tired of it... i dunno... or maybe my passion is not passion... so wat's my passion? i realli dunno leh.... but i know one thing... i must have lots of money... even if one day i like her dad, sick n tired of using money, at least i can leave it to someone i love to spend it...tt is one thing... second thing is built total harmony to the world... wat can i do to kill selfishness, greediness, laziness, in every single one in this world? i wanna achieve something onli the god can do... n the best thing is, if this happen will there be harmony in the world? or will it be total destruction, n how long will it last? can i do it first? and last question... issit really worth doing it? it's onli point of view matter... here my topic pulling further from my title... sorry everyone, this blog maybe onli i can understand...

Chapter181: Hierophant

2007-02-23T02:56:00.000+08:00

You are The Hierophant
Divine Wisdom. Manifestation. Explanation. Teaching.
All things relating to education, patience, help from superiors.The Hierophant is often considered to be a Guardian Angel.
The Hierophant's purpose is to bring the spiritual down to Earth. Where the High Priestess between her two pillars deals with realms beyond this Earth, the Hierophant (or High Priest) deals with worldly problems. He is well suited to do this because he strives to create harmony and peace in the midst of a crisis. The Hierophant's only problem is that he can be stubborn and hidebound. At his best, he is wise and soothing, at his worst, he is an unbending traditionalist.

What Tarot Card are You?

Take the Test to Find Out.

Chapter180: Equivalent trade

2006-11-30T17:24:00.000+08:00

"People cannot gain anything without sacrificing something,

You must present something of equal value to gain something.

This is the equivalent trade in alchemy,

I believe that this is the truth of the world..."

Haha,recently watch a comic call "Fullmetal Alchemist" haha a very nice comic...above is wat i read from tt comic...this call the law of alchemy in the book...keke make sence hor...then the story is the brothers,which is the main character,are finding something call the philosopher's stone,tt can amplify the power of sacrifice...like maybe u lost a hair for creating a sports car or something like tt...haha...comic ma...anything can happen...

But in real life ah,everybody are sacrificing things while they wanted to gain other things...from sacrificing energy to time to money to even lifespend...y?becos they wanna get something else...but in real world if u stupidly sacrifice something,then u may not even get wat u wan...so when sacrificing pls think properly...

"You must present something of equal value to gain something" erm... equal value ah?i onli can say there's no such things as equal value...ur value ,my value, his value,her value means a lot of different...should say no one have the exact same value...currency came to justify,alot of things have their fix value...but something is in a human,tt make exchange trade abnormal...human emotion...human can sacrifice brainlessly for something tt doesn't exist physically...and everybody in this world will do so...it's how far u will go...an example is like,this guy always come n buy things from this uncle,then one day this uncle give him something for free...for tt situation alone it's abnormal exchange,but overall the uncle is still earning even more becos of tt regular customer...this is just a mild example...if we tok about love,there will be even more ridiculous exchange going on...haha humans r stupid,even myself...n this can't be help...

Erm,but for wat i exchanged,i didn't regret...cos it's valuable to me...like now i spend money here download the "FMA" anime...haha if can c,i still felt tt it's worth it...if cannot c..haha i will say tt it's part of life la...the money is made to be waste...haha....left 7 min...keke...hope nothing goes wrong...

Chapter179: My heart collapsed...

2006-10-26T11:18:00.000+08:00

There's this feeling...my heart had collapsed...doing something as a career... it's really very tough...this career i choosed...but i always believe i can make it...i believe,this is my best choice...i also thinks tt even a person with the strongest will, will felt tt his will is bending...of cos, this is a path tt certainly can be walked through...n in fact so many ppl had achieve honorable result...i also believe i can,n i can change it to even a greater stage...but now...
Remember,i choose my path during my ns life...n now everything is in a mess....i didn't achieve much...remember tt day,04072005....how i wish i should go right b4 tt time...i will nvr make this choice...i will nvr....i will nvr know these ppl...all these memories...i won't have for now...i seriously dun mind giving up these memories...realli...the onli one i wanna know is my gal...other than her,i'm willing to give up...n i really shouldn't know them....not becos i hate them...just becos i hate myself n making everyone sad for leaving their world...ppl,dun remember me animore...just leave me...
He will hate me,they will hate me...for giving up...i'm not...i'm just letting go...u ppl may think tt i'm no good,fucker...but u know,this is my future not urs...i'm the one should regret n feel pain,not u...u understand my pain?whether anot,fuck off...
So wat should i work as a career? dunno... u will c for urself...i dun need others...i just need hers...

Chapter178: I miss u...

2006-10-20T02:45:00.000+08:00

Been happening lost of things to my life recently....like i'm sitting a pathetic ship n i'm on the sea where storm is happening none stop...er...i think this life...when will the sun shine...i think i choose to be on the ship...i choose to be alive in this life...
Gal...i'm not angry...i still miss u all...all of u...miss tt time...when i'm alone...the light shining on me,i dun mind being a clown tt time...cos we r happy...i promise, the time will come again...without flawes...
Dear,no matter how much u lie to me last time...even if u have something still lying to me i won't mind...i realli wanna know the truth, but nvm...u will tell me one day...i will trust u...maybe i'm the one tt is something wrong,not u...i love u...i wan u to be happy...if one day something realli happened,hope u can forgive urself,n for me,i already forgive u...love u...
Everyone...i choose my path...if u wanna help,pls help,if not, u can't stop me...cos the spell has cast in me...i will reach it with all my might...i will try more then my best,a__ bless me...i know u will...F______,i know u will always pray for me n others...i will not back off again...
LIFE,i mean the one tt wrote to me last time...i miss u too...i miss ur busy body-ness...i dun mind u giving me anymore advice...had been one year...since my 20th birthday...come back...i will post ur link on this blog...let others know how great u r,tt help me alot...
B___,wat happen?haha long time nvr talk to u...there's memories with u...onli a moment...no...onli tt moment i love the most...i maybe lying to myself tt time...i'm holding ur hand,looking to ur eyes...abit dunno wat to do...but i felt tt i'm in love with u...although now i already i have someone i realli love...but sure,i still miss u,n the moment...i will always miss u n wan u to be happy...if i'm not wrong,u already with someone tt will make u happy...i'm happy too...
Everyone...the one tt i realli missed deeply...hope tt i will suffer the storm for u...i realli dun mind when i know u guys r watching the rainbow tt is shining the whole sky...i miss all of u...

Chapter177: 2nd phase

2006-10-17T13:05:00.000+08:00

Haiz...this week onwards i gonna work night shift liao...sian...after work can't go much place...b4 work wanna slp...super no life....haiz...no money...sian...night shift...should say the 2nd phase of training in scarlet...
Yesterday,finally know wat they actually wan from me...they wan me to be at the same standard as them...i felt tt i already learn alot...but still not enough ba...yesterday,jimmy, my lead cook scold me untill siao...got one thing,when i cook tt time i nvr taste,when i gan chong tt time i forget things...i can even forget wat's the portion size i'm cooking...last few days i cook 2 carrot with alot of salt...very salty...jimmy very angry...then yesterday i cook the garlic mash potato,no taste...then he say...2 times already...if let him catch the 3rd time i no need to stand at entremeteer post anymore...so scared...haiz...then he also say,i so many things dunno...y nvr go ask?if i go ask, nobody will scold me one...then i was thinking...maybe i'm realli no good in this part...i already at 2nd phase liao then still got so many fuck things i dunno...i need to ask...then i aga aga go list out wat i duno...wa alot man...dunno who can i ask realli...jimmy today off...leon wat shit also dunno...terence i also dunno how to ask him...he may not even answer me...KC ah,can try but he may not just tell me like tt...haiz...c xiao hong today there anot...haiz...so stress...

Chapter176: I'm a dog...

2006-10-14T22:03:00.000+08:00

Haiz...been working in scarlet almost coming to a month...late for less then 15 mins 2 times,more than 15 mins 2 times,mc once...took 3 offs over all...next week is the 4th week...haiz...hope i can improve more...
Onli 3 trainees there...jian rong from cold kitchen,first week 2 mc liao...cannot blame him la...he wanted to go front office de but no space then come scarlet...btw he from temasek...can't take too much stress...anyway, cold kitchen got wat stress....haiz...
Another,adrain,from raffles international training school...from raffles hotel...follow eric to scarlet to finish his attachment...quite pro...learn things very fast...but very the yaya...always talk to guys like he very good...then talk to gals like alot of gals like him...haiz...attitude...
So,ppl want me to be the best trainee i think...somemore from shatec...alot of ppl there from shatec...first hospitality school...shld be good...putting alot of stress on me...haiz...dunno how...i like tt issit becos i not enough slp?i dunno....always got problem one...forget this forget tt...hope i can be better...hope i can improve...haiz...everytime reach the main door i dun feel like going in...haiz...how?but i won't give up...tml going morning shift...next week all night shift...sure kanna fuck like a dog...

Chapter175: Desire

2006-10-11T21:56:00.000+08:00

Haha wanted to write this blog long ago...but was too stress by the surroundding...sian ah...now doing my attachment at scarlet hotel...there hor,trainee like dog sia...haha still ok la...trainee need to do all the shit work in order to learn things...damn busy...but second day let me run service liao...quite good la...they as if take me as genius,show me one time expect me to know forever.....ah!!!so stress ah....
Desire...for guest to desire for food?or let the junior cook to learn wat they desire?i'm not a genius...but can i choose to be one?must be calm...if i choose,will i choose to be one?is this a chance?erm....dunno...i dun have choice i guess...i have to be one...in order to move on...cos it's too troublesome not to be one....

Chapter174: MIAOW

2006-09-29T23:26:00.000+08:00

Actually wanted to post the blog yesterday...think think...erm...finally got the idea,make a nice coffee and sit down realli to type...suddenly a shadow fly then my coffee fly to my laptop n books...i know is her...miaow...my cat...y?i didn't disturb her,i feed her,n i treat her not bad nowadays wat...she bite my things i also nvr realli beat her...sometimes still bring her for supper...wtf...b4 my cup fall to the ground i grab her n slam her on the wall...ouch,i know...tt's my natural reaction,n just when she touch the ground she hide under my bed...i close the windows,push rukya out of the room,lock the door...i shout n chase after her...grab her neck n slammed her on the wall...she scratch me real hard...i didn't feel anything...at tt time i was realli mad...i dun really wan to control myself...after so much work,i'm stress enough...i know she's just a cat...but the violent me came without warning...wtf....i didn't disturb her wat...i throw her into the toilet...i really stunned for awhile...spray her water...wash up for her...n i know this is the last time...next times comes,most probably i'm going to bury her like tif...haiz...my hand bleed alot...but...i feel the heart pain...y didn't i control myself?y she did this to me?haiz...will the relation end?think alot...
Dear came back...she was stunned about my hand...total 18 scratch...cats onli got 18 nails...haiz...i decided to let her go...she already in puberty age...i can't just find another male cat her n then let them have a family wat...i dun have the money to let dun have to reproduce...onli have to let her go ba...haiz...dear's sad...i'm sad too...but haiz...for her sake la...i'm crazy...she shouldn't follow me...

Why mankind should have ppl n things tt are important to them?
If,they dun have these things,
Will they be happy or sad?
Will they lost the sence of security in heart?
Or is this important?
Now i know,
Losing someone is sad...
No matter u choose it anot,
Sadness will nvr forbid...
Maybe I shouldn't have anyone tt is important to me ba...

Chapter173: Work Experience Attachment

2006-09-25T00:52:00.000+08:00

Hehe finalli exam over...had a farewell party last sat...n of cos our WE briefing...everyone had a logbook... like life so important... lost tt means lost my diploma...haha everyone is gonna start on 2nd of october...but i start later 11 am...haha extra again...nvm la...no break no break loh...i gonna finish early ma...doesn't realli matter la...haiz...life sux...
Played basket ball after tt,super tiring...played with alan,the china guy from school banquet,very fast...first round get 11-3 i win,2nd round 11-4 i lose...haha then still think of having the 3rd match then got a malaysian,27, and a australian,29, wanna play with us...then ok loh...i team with alan...the australian damn tall,the malaysian damn fast...haha score is 7-2 we lose...somemore the 2 point is i shoot 3 point then can get one...very difficult to go into the red box...they got very good team work then i n alan first time play together...after tt got 5 guys wanna play with us...5 on 5 full court...my team got me,aus guy,malaysia guy,zhe n a small kid...the small kid is b4 i play with alan we play for fun then know de...alan leg cramp so nvr play...our opponent very the sucks,abit onli foul,then we foul they say nvr foul...i say play for awhile cos my leg pain then got one guy say i can stand there dun move de...bloody hell,damn fucked up...then half way 1 of their member fall n twist the knee,then their captain,the guy tt scold me just now,call him to move away they dun need him...wtf!!!realli damn rubbish loh...seriously la,our group like onli 4 ppl,the small kid realli not good enough,lucky got the tall guy,when he lay up,the hand is just beside the rim onli,the malaysia guy very stable n good,then i n zhe is very good at speed,my leg got alot of blister already still sprint faster then them...then half way alan change with zhe,i wanna change but alan take zhe place...haiz...wanna cry already,blister burst already...muscle cramping already...so?keep on playing loh...seriously i deprove alot liao...now 3 point the most 10 got 3 in onli...haiz...in the end lose,21-19...fuck la...just a game...n give them face play onli...but their attitude hor...forget it la...
After tt bring rukya to my house then now still at my house...haiz...dog n cat in the same room...they can't fight la...i here who fight who die...haha...but eve n her mum quarreling about the dog leh...how ah?how am i going to keep this dog with me?without breaking the impression is one thing,issit possible anot?or should i even keep her...dunno leh.

Chapter172: Final Examinations

2006-09-18T06:40:00.000+08:00

Later,i'm going to have exams...my last exam period in shatec...today is beverage knowledge...the ta ma de got alot of things to remember...all the funny name...french,italian... haiz...dunno wat the hell i reading...stay untill so late to study...time to take a rest...tired...later sure alot of morning call de...guys...c this dun mind call me at around 8.30 hor...thanx...jia you n good luck to u all guys...

Chapter171: Sentosa

2006-09-17T18:34:00.000+08:00

Haha my gal call me go sentosa yesterday...she told me tt on friday...is like,y loh...she say her friends call her go there...haiz...her guy friend again...dunno y la..once talk about her guy friends i dun feel good...among her guy friend onli got a few tt will click with me one...so i say dun wanna go...then i felt tt it''s not very good to reject everytime she call me go out to new places...so i ask her lor,go there do wat...then she say go there picnic,then swim abit loh....erm...then i say, if like tt then nvm la...go relax abit...cos monday my last exam starts...i think i will just hide one corner n build my sand castle...haha...
Next day, found tt onli 2 of us actually...but she insist of going...then go loh...wait quite long on bus n buying ticket...finally got there...drop my bag n went to swim with her...had a good time actually...she's very happy...haha,did alot of things there but erm...dunno how to say la...just swim n enjoy the wind...she buried me also haha...wish tt we could have more time together when i'm having my attachment...haiz...

Chapter170: Impossible into Possible

2006-09-14T00:45:00.000+08:00

Had seen doctor yesterday...y?just got back to school then wanna take mc...becos when i just get back to school, all the shit work for me to clear...my kitchen organisation and intro to f&b project... a fucking big project... the biggest in my whole entire theory lesson... the objective is to start a restaurant...erm sounds easy but it's god damn difficult...imagine,u r going to open a restaurant... all the things u have to get urself...floor plan for restaurant, kitchen, bar setting... menu,food cos control, recipes... equipment for kitchen, restaurant, bar and even toilet... licenses...erm... hidden things example, how many powerpoint u need in the restaurant, or maybe the payroll for ur staffs and how many u staffs u actualli need or u idealli wan...ah, the hidden things is cpf...wa...if u realli wanna go into details can write a few hundred pages...haha we already got 120 pages excluding licsence tt stands around 40 pages...
Seriously u wan a few 18-19 year old kids to plan to detail,especially singapore kids,it's almost impossible la...but can la...if 5 got team work and heart sure can one...plus me somemore...wahaha...i tot is like tt,but the more i do the more i think it's difficult...then kanna suspended,then i dun care about the project liao...came back last friday,my group present like fuck then re-do some part of the project...all start to back stab each other...totalli no team work...haiz...i nvr realli look into it and now i ma chiam one man show...i c the finishing product of my group...like shit...realli cannot make it...re do the project, spend 2 sleepless nights...try to go as detail as possible... then i c the impossible part of the project...is to 3d-lise the whole restaurant and c all the possible hidden cost..i can c...but maybe not perfect at my stage of experience and thinking,but i'm sure my group member can't think one la...the important part is how to let everyone in the class understand?if i can make a animation out of it then easy...but i dunno how...ah...i try my best...can be better,but i got no time n energy anymore...
Aiya just present la...some floor plan is my gal do for me de...instead we quarrel...her thinking n my thinking differs...as a student for fnb she got some ideas i dun have de...but the project is mine...i do no good tt means i not good enough...she's not fromm my group...nvm...she also nvr sleep...make her tired also...she say she dun wanna leave me alone n c me tired...but do u think i wanna c her tired where everything got nothing to do with her?when she tired she forget this forget tt...brain become very stupid in some sence...which will make me angry leh....but it's all for me...dunno whether to angry anot...haiz... life is tough...sad...wat can i do?
Then recently calculate my result...all my test and assignment for some subject is 0...one of them is communication skills...calculate, if i wanna pass tt subject i have to get 48 out of 50 for my exam...crazy...near to impossible also...but how?i have to do it la...in order to prove impossible into possible...

Chapter169: BAGE-MON-DA!!!

2006-09-07T08:22:00.000+08:00

Haha...i still dun wanna sleep...u believe i'm sick?muahaha...now no sence of smell at all...got alot of flam...haiz...so sad...but dunno y not realli tt tired...haha just found the best place to connect my wireless connection...my window!!haha have to clear my table n move some furniture in my bedroom...connect dunno how long liao still haven't break...so happy...hehe...but just scare i not at home my cat go play with my mouse...keke...
Go around friendster and clear my bookmark list...c who i wanna add n who can delete...then c alot of my long time no c friend...last time nvr add one...then c alot of chio bus last time i bo liao go put as bookmark...then force myself too c all...erm...found tt gals tt have a ugly bf,which i last time very jealous one,now all become........BAGE-MON-DA!!!!(monster in jap) wa say, realli loh...dunno y...like kanna car buang like tt...haiz...not so horrible la...haha...but realli loh...erm,is my taste changed or they realli become ugly...scare...wait my gal follow me for long liao also become like tt...also got alot...become ugly leh...no bf also...dunno wat happened...
Haha...actually looks will change one day de...just onli dunno when onli...old liao also be ugly...but inside the heart leh?dear, hope ur heart can remain...the part my instinct loves....haiz...go eat chai tou kway liao...da da...

Chapter168: ME

2006-09-07T06:01:00.000+08:00

Ha,dunno wat the hell i'm doing in the middle of the night this time writing blog...long time no update my bloggy sure angry liao...ha i'm sick somemore...
Read my past blogs...find it funny...haha lousy english dun say,wat i wrote...crazy...found myself weak n fuck up...once i wrote about him...actually he's still around but actually is not 'him'...it's
'them'...haha it's crazy la...there someone call 'alvin', another call 'nivla'.another seldom come, i call him,erm...'L' ba...he's the limit of me,'vyn'.funny hor?a person can become so many person...it's not imagination,it's also not very real la...it's me tt changes through desire,conscious,anger and justice...haha basically anger is when i'm too fucking tired then i will lost control...c how tired i am la...last time abit tired onli he comes out...now...i think can control le ba...then desire always around...hehe this one very dirty...all the selfish perverted and wicked tot's come from him...then someone tt counter him is justice.very kind,care for others,humble,cry baby, all from him...i'm conscious...
I dunno la,i think all humans have this kind of personality in them,but either they nvr bring them out or controlled them...or dun even notice them...i choose to c them...control them...let them wild at times and use them sometimes...my sis is those tt dun bothered to c them,but i'm so curious,n last time i was controlled by them...now better off...dun worry...haha i'm ok...

Chapter167: Connections

2006-09-06T04:07:00.000+08:00

Life is full of connections man...all this connections confirm brings u sadness and happiness...just dun look into detail of how much sadness n happiness it brings,if u do, normally u will find tt it will bring u sdaness more or even onli sadness...just like do u remember ow many times u smile a day and how many times u cry a day...of cos crying will make u easily remembered becos all of us take happiness for granted,of cos there r exceptions...so dun care whether it's happy or sad,just make the full use of ur connections just how u make full use of ur life...
Connections r things tt sometimes u need them to solve ur 'boring' problems...sometimes it's a bigger use...how big u can use them depend on how much u can give in...but doesn't mean u put in 10 kg of time n energy in it u will get back 10 kg of usefull things...sometime even u get back 0...nothing...of cos the use of killing boredom seems to always be there...i got a problem,i last time,not long ago,i tot i put in so much effort in building my connections then i should get help when emergency comes but i'm extremely wrong,dun ever demand anything in return...unexpectedly u will even lost the connection or weaken...cos humans r selfish,dun blame them...so this lesson teaches me,if u feel like building up tt relation tt u have to put in alot of commitment and emotion,think carefully b4 u put in,think, if u r in emergency,will tt person help u?not to say so,even if tt person willing to think of a way to stop me from falling it's good enough already,i will put in my commitment...seriously,after tt lesson i put it this way,i won't need anybody's help even if i put in all my commitment n emotion in to care for tt person...i dun need UR HELP,just dun step my hand when i'm hanging on the cliff can liao...i dun need ur hand to pull me up,u can go off...if i'm so useless to fall then i shall fall...
Haha with this thinking,if anyone helps me i will be very grateful ba...like tt i will even be happier...haiz...even for her...i give in so much time,realli alot,u think la,did i ever put in so much time n effort for anyother person anot?possible anot?becos of u, i lost alot,last time indeed i plan to get back something from u and ur family,but now...just dun throw rock down the well which i'm trying hard to climb up...haha although u r...but i dun mind...even u seal the well i will find a way out...becos, i love u...100% true from my instinct...

Chapter166: Analysing situation

2006-09-04T03:45:00.000+08:00

Had a bad time nowadays...a month ago...i was suspended from school due to bad attendence,and now pending for appeal...basically i'm expell...from the day i receive the letter, all my test will be void,dunno whether my projects will be void anot...haiz...if all r void and by the time i go back it should be time for exams...if all r void then i have to really do well in my exam to push up my marks...if not dunno how...whether i can go back also a mystery...my gal says sure go back one...just like she last time like tt... but wat if i dun?haha it should be better in someways...although i wasted so much time n money...but...it maybe better if i start work immediately...it may be a disgrace...i dun give a damn la...just for the sake of all this time n hardwork i put in i should continue my studies...in the end the choice is not up to me now...i should realise earlier on but wat's the use of saying anything now?too late...i can try my best to show my enthusiasm but tt's all...of cos i will study hard just in case i have to go back, and becos i need the knowledge even if i dun go back to school...this is my career,and i won't change just becos i'm out of the bloody SHATEC...
Now i know the feeling of my gal being kick out of school last time... dun feel like going back,wat's the point?i dun really need the diploma,i can just fight my way out next time...it's ok...but tt all feelings...in fact i may need the bloody diploma next time...it's the base,if i fall i got tt stupid paper to save my ass n won't fall lower than those who dun have the stupid toilet paper...tt's the fact,somemore i left less than half of the whole cos wouldn't it be stupid to drop out just like tt?plus concider the pain my family feels... they will be disappointed,n feels hurt...i can say i will pay them back the money,but can i pay them back the lost of time?shit... i have to go back...after so much analysing,result is i do my best to show concern about whether i can go back,and once i go back i have to put in real effort to stay on...other than tt i can't do a shit...so,vyn, cool ya...dun worry guys...

Chapter165: Happy 21st Birthday...

2006-09-01T11:55:00.000+08:00

Ya...my birthday....21st birthday... receive alot of present n demanded alot of present...Got some donations from friends to be birthday present...cos urgently no money and dun wanna borrow anymore money...francis:$21, apple:$50, hui xiang:$30. actually still got alot more to take but they promise but nvr give... haha nvm la...they dun owe me,just donation,i really can't beg them for money...although it's tough,but it's over...failed my ippt by failing the 2.4 run... sian...nvm,go rt lor...haiz...tt's the present from god ba...thanx brother...then my father give me this laptop...my mum give me $800 to return back to her...(?!?!)my sis n bro in law give me a funny pants...n also treat me to k box...haha very fun...haiz...n nvr forget, my gal giving me the necklace i have now... i love it... haha love u gal...haiz...dunno wat i'm doing man...i will take care de...ja...

Chapter164: Cries.

2006-08-26T13:35:00.000+08:00

Have been 2 months since i last up date...Been working hard towards school n work...end up receiving nothing...nearly lost the important gal, lost a important cat...Tiffany laviva... a stray cat... but it is as important...blame myself...
Been climbing up the slope... plan things properly but didn't do it properly...just wasting time...trying so hard but i get to no where...pathetic...was being told tt i'm arrogant and basically fuck up... didn't really admit, but if i'm really tt fuck up,then,the one suffer the most is the one tt is nearest to me...if i'm lacked of confidence then how can i be arrogant?i dunno... i really dunno...
Even she says so...even i felt so...so should it be so?wat can i do?i realli wanna change...issit part of life?haiz...can it be helped?i'm down this time...realli have to think...but just to say,i'm sorry if i really give u this trouble,i didn't wan forgive, i just wan u all to feel better,n maybe i realli shouldn't exist...

Chapter163: Memories of L'Antipasto

2006-06-26T19:12:00.000+08:00

Suddenly found tt i had changed 6 job after i ord till now... already one year liao... time really flies... problems clashed onto me...alot... slowly found tt, it's my fault... my big head csm already told me about my weakness...Unfocus n lack of self disipline... this kind of weakness i think no need ppl to hai me i already hai si myself le.... nvr think tt it's big problem...yesterday doing facial with my gal at home tt time i was thinking...been to so many places...ritz carlton greenhouse,swissotel equinox,intercon banquet,hilton banquet...all these r service side... then L'antipasto n Laviva is kitchen side...soon i may end up in a new shop call 'new york new york' de,at city link... not confirm la but most probably...but among all these places, i always no show, late, mia...but the one tt i regret the most for all my negative being is L'Antipasto...second is ritz carlton... i'm a part timer... yes, but i also should have the responsibility loh... i can do work do untill very perfect,one of the trustable crew they can use me as, but wat's the use if i nvr come... haiz...i dun have this problem in ns cos if i nvr come or late i will have punishment...alot of elders like my big head csm, robert,wong,eric,n alot more...they told me nicely trying to convince me... untill robert tt day tok to me then i know...he is the most senior training officer i c in my life...he try to convince me in a nice way...n finally i seems to understand... i need to prove myself...hope i can go back L'Antipasto,but not now ba...i really dui bu qi chef mino la... haiz... a very kind chef...
Last problem...always my problem... this maybe the test for us... hope u understand,my dearest...really,dying maybe the best way out,but i now choose to kill...

Chapter162: Aim

2006-06-08T21:40:00.000+08:00

Haiz... found tt alot of my friends is advancing... human do advance... do change... some even moving back wards... but this time i'm not the one moving back... haha...even my gal knows...i'm moving full force forward...But i know i'm far away from wat i wan... once again i ask myself... wat's my aim... it seems to change... haiz...time to go...

Chapter161: How far can i go?

2006-05-20T13:59:00.000+08:00

Working in laviva 2 weeks... later still got work... today quite busy i think... haiz... actually i'm doing 48 hour this week... but becos kai loon got a new full time... haiz...onli did 23 hour... half... haiz... kanna this kind of things... so sad... my income will drop... haiz... next week going petals... plan to work closing on mon,wed,fri... then do the make up on the same 3 days... since i can't earn more so i as well use the time to clear my make up...if i do my make up on tue, thur, sat most likely i can't wake up...so one day xiong one day relax... haha... thinking the best way out of the worst... without evelyn's surpport dun think i can make it smoother...
My plan is use 2 person's strength to clear one person's debts,manipulating the income of 2 person is more difficult...lucky she love me...of cos i will pay back her... hahas...15 of june clear my external debts plus hp bill n cat's injection...15 august clear my internal debts alone...15 sept get all my things i wan...including cd,bike license...15 of dec buy a new hp for my gal n myself...by feb get a bike ba... hoho this is wat i plan... but detail write 10 page also not enough... i really got things de...
My mind now remembering alot of things... concallsion for cocktails, laviva menu, planning following day by day in my memory... compair,1 year ago... can my brian come to this stage? n how far i can go?

Chapter160: Curry Chicken...

2006-05-19T13:53:00.000+08:00

Going to be late for work yesterday... but my gal still haven't eat dinner... left last 20 dollar... give her 10 i keep 10...she wan me to eat curry chicken with her...but i'm late leh... so give her money call her eat herself... haiz... sorry... reach laviva, staff meal curry chicken...-_-" next day go school production, staff meal, curry chicken...-_-"" then go work laviva, staff meal, curry chicken...-_-""" WTF... had enough of it...^_^""

Chapter159: Slope...

2006-05-14T19:15:00.000+08:00

Wahaha found back my wallet le... funny thing is not a single hair lost... wahaha singaporean r kind n helpful de... muahaha!!!
But i lost my hp...T_T"" But found back too... a ang mo got it from the cab... then my gf go take back... erm... dunno should i say i suay or heng leh...haha...
Been working in Laviva for 5 days le...like tt place... can click with the ppl there... one thing is there very noisy, always 'har' 'har'? de la...but ppl there very patient n respectful... hoholike tt i earn 154 liao... next week i gonna work like siao like... the last time i felt stress in this way is at ritz carlton...everyday work 14.5hr plus study but it's worth it... like tt 336 in my account le...then continue to wack wack wack...
Once roll down from the slope tt i nvr get to stop...everytime think tt it's the end, it's the time to go up but i'm still falling... i'm very sure this is the time to run up the slope again... get back wat belongs to me...

Chapter158: Good day...

2006-05-07T19:22:00.000+08:00

3rd of may i lost my wallet... haiz... so sway... but thinking it as a good experience is not bad... haha... then no time to do new atm card... 4th got remedial for food cost, 5th got exam on food cost... 6th holiday no open... today sunday... tml then can go make... haiz... nvm loh... then yesterday go interview... the jayson from "a" class intro one... i think he is the most experience student in our batch, so maybe he got lobang... then intro me to CHIJMES tt spainish restaurant call laviva... seems not bad, n they give me 7/hr... hehe not bad... lucky... then after tt go evelyn house to c parents... so scared... buy 2 soft drinks go up... they like not so anti me leh... still ok la... can talk... then talk with eve's big bro,victor... maybe age close tt's y can talk more... haha think i too excited so speak till not like me... lucky nothing much clash... but think they tired liao so next time then visit...
Haha quite a good day yesterday yesterday,but today seems funny leh... must be evelyn expecting too much from me again... haiz... as a couple shouldn't expect anything from others... just give wat u have to love ones... wat u get back is bonus n treasure it more... as a human should be like tt le... but y expect? haiz,maybe i expect too ba... so let's dun expect anything from return ba... hehe jia you!!!

Chapter157:Love Song...

2006-04-26T17:25:00.000+08:00

Long time nvr come here...no time plus no money...been working hard on my EC(Event Catering)this few month n launch last week...470 pax not bad...but didn't break record...nvm...this week is FHA, this year singapore's largest event...too bad i'm visitor...n i have no place to work,no money,school starts free labour all the way again...so poor,go everywhere to borrow money from friends...haiz...
Been with her almost 4 months le...found the distance with her is really different...dun feel like talking to her about anything...something great happens between us but i just dunno how to settle now...realli dunno...breaking my limit for emotion...it's a tough time but i controlled my emotions... sometimes thinking where's my limit?always seems to find a way to overcome problems in life...wat i know now is to take a break...put things a side,be normal...wat i can do is put her in front of me,abit further,so i can breath more then slowly put her back,slowly...just have to control my emotion like tt... then i will be like myself more...without anything to lost without anything to afraid...
Sorry dear,i will jia you de...These months,i felt tt i had alot to say to u...all these words,if i change them in phrasing,will become a very beautiful song...one day i will sing to u...my own love song...

Chapter156: NS... ORD loh!!!

2006-03-28T20:12:00.000+08:00

Haha nowadays found tt alot of ppl going to go army already... example, liang zhe, my neighbour cum senior cum close friend... he's inside already... tekong bmtc sch 1 hawk coy... wish him good luck... ivan... dear's god brother... tt guy pretty useless n i all the way dun have good feeling to him... die bastard... then ade's bf... haiz... take care ya... although i dun like u... but u good luck it's also a way to make me happy... but all of u... go suffer the pain i went through as a guy... wahaha... do all the shit work n get crazy about it... haha... jer going ord soon, 66 more days... jia you...

Chapter155: My fate,my truth...

2006-03-25T18:48:00.000+08:00

From then on... my fate seems to set... study,study,work,work... Tt time... when i'm born... i nvr have much chances to choose the path... till i get into poli,i choose not to study anymore... i go in to army... n clear ns... 2 years... i'm back again... till now... ever since then when ever i have someone i love to be my gf, i will get bad luck n funny things happen... but everytime break up i wanted to find someone i love again... seems to be a cycle, a fate, a bond...
I nvr really trust fate... but i'm following it... again n again... i can feel the bond as if like a metal chain tying me tight...when can i really break this? everytime i seems to get over it but it comes back... feeling more n more demoralise... feeling more n more useless...
Finally she came, n her life seems to be a cycle too... with her reminder, i told her tt i'm gonna break the cycle with her cousin n her... i will be the one... but y not i break my cycle? y can't she be the last one? perhaps yes... although she also have her bad points... but doesn't seems to be anything bad...i hope so... n i will try my best to stop this irritating fate from cycling n cycling in my life... bring happiness to love ones often will be my truth n i will walk tt on...

Chapter154: First step or second?

2006-03-10T13:10:00.000+08:00

Haha life isn't tt easy... always think to strive higher each time... but often go back to the same spot... been drop to one of the deepest hole... i mean the most toughest problem... nvr tot tt besides feeling n relationship, there will be things tt realli trouble me so much tt i can't settle... with the task of protecting the love tt i wanted for so long, i can't realli settle the unbalanced time system i'm using now... therefore with the low morale in me, i, in the end fail to bring happiness to my love... luckily... this is my ideal love... understanding n smoothing she is, understand my problems n given me advice to smoothen up things n finally i can stand on feet again... fell back n now stepping my step again... it's bigger than b4... it should land ahead of the first step i make... is this considered the first or second step? but confirm it's a stiff one...
Anyway thanx dear... this is already 2nd month...

Chapter153: Sins

2006-03-07T16:40:00.000+08:00

Everybody is a sinner... it's born with us... but to me, even if i do something really bad to someone n end up making him or her better, even so i'm called a sinner, i'm happy with it... btw... noone can really be sinless even if u r not born with sin... cos everybody will eventually do sins in their life even they try not to... haiz...

Chapter152: Start of it...

2006-03-06T16:22:00.000+08:00

Yeah starting of EC(event catering)... quite happy la... but actually we rather finish our petals attachment then go ec... haiz... nvm la... almost the same... most of my friend should know i go around asking ppl wanna buy anot... now then i know... luckily i nvr go do mlm... if not i sure cannot sell one... like alot of ppl dun wanna support leh... dunno la... i just try my best... if no good also bo bian... wat i felt is tt i didn't stand any position in the group... with or without me also the same... but... lucky not without me better... so i still working hard on it... so in the end no good no regrets loh... so everybody... pls support orh...

Chapter151: Long time no see

2006-02-27T19:21:00.000+08:00

Yo bloggy!!! long time nvr blog here liao... busy... getting worst n worst... been in rosette for my outlet attachment... on the 9th week i was choosen to go to Grand Hyatt Hotel Singapore to help out in the preparation for Asia Aerospace event... 2 year one time... a very very nice place... fucking relax... got pay somemore... n now i'm back to rosette for my last week.... all the way i tot after this semester i will be at petals to continue my outlet attachment... but wat i get now is event catering... plan menu sell food... haiz... so fast... sian... hope everything come out well... i had alot of debts n alot of things tt need money to do... sian... hope i can faster finish my make up then go for part time kitchen work... getting damn poor now... have to faster earn money then can bring my gf to c doctor... she sick leh... everytime will miss her de... haiz... time realli flies... things realli changes...

Chapter150: The Burden of Love...

2006-01-27T17:32:00.000+08:00

I notice there's 2 type... 1st is when u had some one u love... but when he/she got some problems, n u have ways to help but he/she just dun want ur help... u just can't force... not tt u can't do anything it's tt he/she dun let u do anything... very fuck up....
2nd is u got some things in ur life very important for u to do n u have someone u love... but the someone u love often makes u lose concentration... love becomes a burden... these kind of things normally happen... haiz... n i indeed experienced both...

Chapter149: My Sassy Girl

2006-01-26T16:43:00.000+08:00

Nowadays so busy at rosette n always take mc... haiz... no money liao... but quite happy... becos of her...

Eve

Haha... she very fierce de... love her... erm... nothing much to say la... she's just very important to me... keke...

Chapter148: Tomorrow

2006-01-23T17:21:00.000+08:00

Tml... i going to work... maybe will send her home if she got work at night... miss her... she's so important... tml dunno which position i will take for rosette... scare scare... then tml must remember to drink lots n lots of water... then tml must remember to give back da jie's money... owe very long le... 20 bucks... then rest more... then tml morning have to do lots of stratching... long time no do le... all the muscle all hard liao... erm... time to move on again... thanx gal... thanx for supporting me... i remember ur words... tt let me move on again...

"Y care so much?

No matter how tough the route in front is,

We shall walk it through together..."

Chapter147: STM(Short Term Memory)

2006-01-20T16:27:00.000+08:00

Recently found tt alot of ppl around me got STM(Short Term Memory) The champion is..... My mum... very horrible... always forget things de... Then second is her... anyhow put my ring... untill tot lost... haiz... let her c my comic till she dunno wat the last chapter toking... haiz... but i guess STM will spread de... i kanna oso... haiz... issit becos i too tired? or issit becos i'm sick? dunno la... very forgetfull.... think i need to rest more...

I miss u so much dear... i trust u, as the same u trust me... i'm getting childish nowadays... dun wan to go work, dun wan to move.... spend money like water... but i know this won't last long... i will find a way out of this... trust me... first time in my life i felt tt i can't be better than another person... n tt person is u... i know i can nvr be better than u in tt ways... which make me even useless... but i have to hold myself again... to rush back to the top n be elite in other areas... instead... u can be my eyes... ur dark eyes...
Seriously... Sincerely... I love you...

Chapter146: Hell in Rosette

2006-01-16T16:05:00.000+08:00

Today is 23 of January... Had been around 2 weeks haven't blog... not i dun wan is when i have time the lan shop nvr open... n most of the time i'm busy... so my blog date will be back to 16 of January...
It's the first day i move to Rosette to do my event catering... from today till end of ec attachment (payless), i will be stuck at rosette... 7 weeks straight... dunno y so sway... heard it's pretty tough here... n indeed, it's quite tough... a very squeeze n hot place... total 7 positions... Saucer, Potagee, Entremeteer, Griller, Garde manger, Staff mealer, Aboyer... very chim hor? erm... let me explain...
I'm Saucer, making of sauce... all main cos have their sauce, so i have to cook n put the sauce... sounds easy? indeed pretty easy compare to others... i learn 2 days with my upper study verna then i'm alone... teaching rayfeal... so easy... but i fall sick, i guess it's dehydration... the kitchen is damn fucking hot... took 2 days mc...
Then Potagee, erm think i spell wrong... pronounce as [PO-TA-JAY]... Potage means soup in french... tt means ppl tt make soup loh... also quite easy... but should be abit more difficult then saucer...
Then Entremeteer, [ON-TREE-MI-TEAR]... have to prepare starch n vege for a main course... quite troublesome...
Then Griller, cooking of main course main item... must be very familiar in the doneness of a product...
Then Garde manger, [GUARD-MAAN-JAY]... prepares cold dish in cold kitchen... tt means appetiser all by them...
Then Staff mealer, cooking for all the staff meals...
Then lastly, Aboyer... do plating for all dish... consider leader of the whole kitchen... very difficult task... hoho must be smart if not will sure kanna scold like hell one... haha...
All 7 stations r the stations tt a student can go to... so i plan one week take one station... but... haiz... the main control of the whole kitchen is the teacher... n tt's the person tt fuck ppl the most... very stressful n hot... these kind of stress to me is nothing much la... use to it when i work in industrial hotel... but i'm on service side with strong air-con... but inside kitchen is as hot as hell... in the end fall sick... haiz... still vomit outside rosette... haiz... sorry leh cleaner uncle....

Chapter145: Bad day...

2006-01-13T13:26:00.000+08:00

Heard tt today is a bad day... cos the 13th on friday... but every year it's ok leh... dunno y it's bad... but becos i have someone realli tt important tt's y i'm thinking this...
Yesterday is a special day for me... hehe nah... it's a secret... dun need to say... hehe... i found tt my instinct had eat into my heart... thinking ridiculous things, trusting someone at ridiculous speed... really not like me... haiz... now tt i msg her n she nvr reply... start anyhow think again... is she busy? is she angry? or wat happened?

The extreme end of darkness is light...

I had fell back to the light...

Chapter144: Instinct

2006-01-11T13:18:00.000+08:00

Suddenly remember a song call Shinshoku~Lose Control... By my favourite band, L`Arc~en~Ciel... a very noisy n havoc song... A part of the lyrics is "I die then my instinct was born~~~" haha so funny... at first dunno wat the hell is tt... but now i understand already... I feel it... dunno issit real... i trust this special feeling... i trust her... i trust myself...
While i'm still happily drowning in tt feeling, problems start to surface... Erm... i'm won't give up... erm... my problem starts to come too... things i wanted to get a few weeks ago still didn't seems to improve... example like my ippt... wanted to run... not lazy then sick... ah di tt guy also lazy... cannot... once i fully recover then i going to run liao... then like return money... just lost another job, now no money how to return money? haiz... must think of alot of things... first must recover... then stop the laziness... erm... haiz...

Chapter143: Business

2006-01-07T17:28:00.000+08:00

I actually was learning alot of things from a mlm company call "Enyouth" recently... ya indeed learn alot but in a super short time... so the things go in my mind when i sleeping... basically didn't sleep... finally come to an end of this... but soon have to draw a mind map of wat i learn... haha suddenly become so hardworking hor...
The most difficult thing they teach there is call us not to use brain... sounds easy right? haha but most of my close friend should know... i'm a super thinker... call me not to use brain? siao... very difficult... n totally dun have the sence of security... tt's y i stop liao... n the ppl culture is damn fuck up there... although surface is good la... now i know... the power of money is so damn horrible...
Ever heard of the law of duplication? ok an example... if a piece of paper u can fold it 3,000,000 times, the paper can touch the moon... cos when u fold it once it become 2 paper, fold another time become 4... so on an so forth... another example will be mahjong... ppl who play b4 one should know... singapore ppl normally is play limit 5 tai... but some ppl play 20cent 40cent, some play 1 dollar 2 dollar or bigger la... not horrible yet... i ever count before... if ppl play no limit for 20cent 40cent, n a person get the highest possible tai, which is 48 tai(if i'm not wrong) a person can get at LEAST $84,442,493,013,196.80... erm... dunno how to call this... issit trillion? after billion i dunno how to call liao... 20cent 40cent leh... tt means this guy is the "zeng" then he open card onli change "flower" get all "flower" then get all "NSEW" "gang" n form a formation call "18 lou han" n win the game... if u kanna this then u should go play all the 4d, toto, lucky strike liao... super fucking good luck loh... tt's y in singapore no one play unlimit mahjong... can die one... i spend a night with my bro jer, counting all these... he down there laugh like hell... stupid... where got so lucky...
K back to mlm... they using a system similar to this... law of duplication... finding ppl to join... i all the way dun like mlm... becos if u r one of the last few member, then wat u earning? wat earn the most is the boss of the company... n they r not toking about 20 cent 40 cent... is hundreds to thousands over dollars... so... i dun like this... but it's interesting to know about this la... erm... wat i learn from them is basically system management of a company, duplicate to every member of the company... the powerful part n the lousy part... there's powerful part but the lousy part more la... haha think over n over again, putting myself as a boss a manager, a member of the company... tt's y now sick... haiz... stupid right? but i like leh... next time when i have the power to start a business, i will use... or maybe my bro my friends start i also can give advise la...
Think too much isn't it? so how can i throw away my brain? but becos of this tiredness... i think i did something wrong... this may cos my fall... erm... good to learn from failure... but must think of a way to save myself out of this shit... have to think again... feel like vomiting now... haiz...

Chapter142: Learning

2006-01-06T14:15:00.000+08:00

I'm learning alot of things... from the most complicated things to most simple things... from management n organisation of a country, a company, to how to talk cock with different kinds of ppl... very difficult man... trying to make use fully of my time.... but, my personal capital is running down liao... often, money n relationships give me problems... haiz... fall sick liao, but as usual no money to c doctor... so poor thing... haiz... how i wish i can rest... haiz... again as usual... forget to shit... haiz... but thinking n doing is 2 different type of things... for now, i think more first... cos wat i have now is really too little... time will come for me to move on... but i won't become like ppl always say NATO(No Action Think Only)... just waiting for something very important to come, one by one.... muahaha... time to go home shit le.... hehe...

Chapter141: Reason, Success, New Year...

2006-01-05T14:57:00.000+08:00

Ya it's a new year... been living in farrer park for more than half a year... recently found tt it's pretty cramp in the train.. y eh? i always take the 0730 or 0630's train to school depend i wanna have breakfast anot(actually is whether i can wake up anot... heehe) but actually i often take this train but recently then i found tt the train is damn full... funny hor... last time dun feel so... new year liao, ppl more garang in working... hehe...

Erm... do u wanna be successful? eh wat u mean by successful? when u have someone u can be with tt u can really trust ur life on it? this is very far away from me... near to impossible ba... or u can earn alot of money tt u can basically no need to work for a few year to enjoy life n no need to worry how much money u will have? this one also very far from me... OR... u r good enough to fulfill ur dreams without worrying whether u have the ability anot, becos u know u have the ability... erm this one is nearer to me, but still a long way... as long as it's listed to be success, there's always "no worry" in the idea... cos with too much worries, human can't say they r truly successful... this is wat i tot... but how many ppl can be successful in no matter which situation?

The 3 example listed on top, having the ability to fulfill ur dream? for me is my career... will i have the talent to subpass every of my senior, teachers, friends n those legendary chef? dunno y, i got a feeling tt i can... just the 6th sense... seriously this is one of the most impossible thing to do... cos a chef must have a very strong standard of logical mind; as long u r call a chef, the standard should be almost equivilent to a architecturer or a computer engineer... i guess so.. n also a strong creative mind which this one can't be compared... in creative world i think sky is the limit... so... how can u be the best when u dunno how good it's possible?
Second, earning lots of money... u wanna earn lots of money, u have to work n save alot...u can't work too much, becos if u work too much u have no time to spend... n u can't save too much cos money currency in a singapore depreciate about 0.3% per year...( u c the laksa at food court, last time cheaper rite?) unless u migrate to poorer country if not u will always find ur savings very little... but will u give up ur homeland?
Last one... this is very personal... or should i say, everybody have about the same thinking... i dunno... for me, "NOONE CAN BE TRULY TRUSTED" no matter how well u understand a person, the person will change... even he/she didn't change but can u realli c through the real character of the person? i dun dare to say i can... so for me, this is the furthest thing tt i can achieve n this is the thing i wanted the most...

I dreamt of u last night...

The happiness we shared...

The warmth when we touches each other...

I know this is wrong...

Worst mistake I may ever made,

But in my mind,

U were there...

I miss this smell of urs...

In my heart I know,

Noone can replace u...

How I wish I were him...

Two choices...

Left or right...

I chooses left...

So, my principle stays,

N I leave...

I didn't regret my choice till now...

Cos I know tt u r happy with him...

I'm even happier than u r...

U know?

Our relationship nvr change...

Just our distance,

Ur warmth,

My laughter,

Fades...

And the reason y I leave...

All for ur smile...

Chapter140: A touch of fire; after touches of blades

2006-01-04T14:53:00.000+08:00

Went school today for event catering... hehe i won't say i hate tt place la... even i get scoldings, i still will learn things there... not like industries... been learning how to cut alot of things last week... basically is just cut cut cut... but i getting faster n faster with my knife without injuring myself...(include i have enough sleep...)
Today i'm the one tt cook the dog meals!!!(staff meals la...) haha chicken rendang with long bean n some capcicorn... then with a deep fry potato... hehe so happy... first time touching the wok for my event catering... i c mdm rohaya move so fast with the wok n scoop, then i also try, end up spillage... keke then she teach again then i spill again... :p keke but it's fun loh... first time... using such a big wok... i think i can sit on top sia... very heavy... then when i lift the wok my hand kanna burn by the heat from the stove... fire off liao... but dunno y the heat still so strong... funny thing is, my hair nvr burn leh... then y so pain? very very funny... haha nvm la...
While packing the food i drop one box on the floor... half gone... bo bian, have to write my name on it... so today i eat very little loh... keke but still happy today... later go home wash clothes... wash till siao man... hehe but i'm still happy...

When we lie down,

I'm looking at u...

Ur eye lashes r so long,

Beauty came from the natural expression while u rest,

How I really wish time holds for tt moment...

Vyn

Chapter139: Natural

2006-01-03T10:43:00.000+08:00

A human's beauty... shouldn't be surprise... it's nature... no matter guy or gal... often... it's when they show their natural smile... tt's wat most designer looking for... n wat someone attracts me last time, it's her natural smile... true man... not onli last time la... now also... but all this is ma chiam like museum display... can c cannot touch... for me now... no matter who... friends, family, ppl i like, i would like to c their natural smile... feel inspired... in my heart... tt's nevertheless, an important thing... therefore... i will nvr force anything on others anymore... the love being showed by me last time nvr being appreciated... therefore again, i will change... being more selfish in loving ppl...

Chapter138: Your Decision

2006-01-02T10:33:00.000+08:00

"God let us have the decision to believe in him..." this is just a phrase tt i heard will exploring christians world... erm... if i were god i will do the same too...
Went chalet yesterday... sherry's... my 2nd ex gf... actually tot of going there show face onli... but... aiya... kanna request personally by her to stay there the whole night... k loh... give face la... so stay there play cards tok cock... then she quarrel with her bf... then how? she cry n cry... every time like tt... from the time i know her till now, she always cry... when she's with me tt time also... she damn fragile...
Then try to comfort her n the same time tell her the fact about her... then she ask me how... wat can she do... then i tell her loh... she old liao... 18 le... then i onli can give advice loh... i can nvr choose for her de la... since she tolerate her bf for so long le... if can think cannot tolerate then dun waste time loh... break loh... but if she think still can carry on then talk to him loh... anyway she's not totally right also wat...
Heard they all quarrel... then later c they all like normal liao... then ok loh... happy for her... time for me to go liao... another sleepless night... haiz... but... in life there r lots of choices... choose urself... u r the trigger... of cos... ppl's advice often came from another angle or they simply analyse for u... it's ur decision...

Chapter137: Hopeless

2005-12-31T13:35:00.000+08:00

Recently saw this...

"Why do Lucifer choose to go to hell?

Because he's hopeless..."

He actually was a angel... but he choose to go hell... becos the person he respect most dun trust him... this is wat i found out...

I told her... i already at the edge... dun push me anymore...but she still... haiz... forget it... i had already fall off... dun think she cares... who cares? think YR would be very happy tt i fall of the edge to join him... but... wat's the hope in life? i gave up... but he dunno... i will nvr fall to the same place as him...

As i browsing through the web pages i often c... i get more n more hopeless... nothing much i can do anymore... another danger coming... breaking my head to find ways to settle it... i will n i know i can... dun dare to think far in the future... wat's near, i already having a difficult time... haiz... good bye...

Chapter136: Important person...

2005-12-28T15:36:00.000+08:00

Who's the most important person to u... most ppl will grade it in this way... anyone tt can replace the position in ur heart is the least important person to u... would u choose to let ur child die or ur wife die? when young ppl will choose child cos can make again... will u let ur wife die or ur parents, ppl normally will choose wife, cos can find a new wife... but i'm different wise... dunno y also...
But noone will wan important ppl around them die cos it's important.... i'm important to u? u r indeed pretty important to me although we didn't know for long... hope i will also become a important person to u...

Chapter135: Daze

2005-12-26T19:46:00.000+08:00

Went hilton with her today morning... interview... trying to get closer to her... but dun dare... haiz... dunno la... slowly ba... no rush... as long as she's comfortable can liao... after tt when to sha villa to recce... cos soon i will be there doing my event catering... the whole 7 weeks... haiz... but damn inside loh... nvm... really like haunted like tt... but funny thing is i found tt the toilet cleaner is god damn polite loh... nvr shave la, n then sweat like hell... smelly but he's realli very polite... better than the students there... haha funny... then go outside saw a shop call 'crystal cafe'... the buffet quite cheap... but the alarcarte is damn ex loh... buffet look like shit leh.... not nice... but the alarcarte chicken rice also very normal ma... onli bigger by abit onli... realli abit... 12 dollar plus... plus coffee gst service charge, 17.85... ccb... not going to eat there anymore... n somemore no nets... have to give my ic n go press money... fuck up la...
Then go cos way walk walk... so tired... then go yishun walk walk... then landed up here... very bo liao go read ppl's blog... read ** ***'s blog as usual...c the way she say things realli very small gal, although she trying to be big gal... happy for her... then bo liao go search her sis's blog... i like this music... look at the photo... like ma chiam we know for thousand years like tt n actualli we dunno each other... haha dreaming... maybe we met before... keke... then saw ** ***'s boy's blog... hehe... he got blog sia... k la... seriously i think this guy is pretty good as a bf... haha good luck... happy for u... read ***'s blog n found tt her music n ** ***'s blog music pretty the same... funny... the feeling they give me is also pretty the same wat... keke wat a coincidence... read ****'s blog... she's sad... i know... quarrel again... haiz... should i help? dun think so... i dunno... leave it... i noone to interfere... she won't listen... read her blog... i didn't appear... maybe she wan it to be a secret or... i dunno... i dunno wat to write already... staring at the screen like *** often do when she's writting blog... dunno y... he didn't came out... cos it's so peaceful today...
If i can live to 100 years old... i will have 36500 days... if 30000 days is sad... i hope tt others will be happy... this is wat i think... so wat he thinks? gal... thank u... *** thank u... ** ***thank u... **** sorry... but i will keep my promise... u remember? i remember i cried becos of tt... ****, wish u happy for the new year...

Chapter134: I lose...

2005-12-25T21:37:00.000+08:00

I know... i lose to him... tt guy deep in me... hate him.... when i hate him i become him.... i'm part of him... he's part of me... i tot i already get control of him... but... looks like getting worst... i will try my best to at least stop him... there will be a way...
I going to quit intercon... cannot work there anymore... i know y ppl dun like me liao... guys n gals... i know... becos of him... wat a excuse... u no need to care... now it's between me n him... he's a secret of mine... but now it's not... cos he's over taking me... i tried to balance it up... but he take overs... i didn't even notice... looking at others as a mirror of my soul... ya... i know my mistake... how am i going to balance me n him... i dunno...
In the script of taoist, i read b4, there's one call "da xue zi dao"... fucking long... but i remember a part in front... translation is, if u wan to make peace in world, u have to rule the country... if u wan to rule the country, create ur family... if u wanna create ur family, control urself first... if u wanna control urself, fix ur heart first... if u wan to fix ur heart, rule urself... sounds stupid when i say it like tt... but i think tt's sence la...
i can't even do the first thing... i skipping off... haiz... i.... am abit lost... abit... abit lack of confidence... she appear... i sence danger... correct or wrong? i dun dare to confirm... i had been fighting him since the time i'm born... i dun think i can make him vanish... but at least control him... i dunno... afraid... he's always stronger n faster than me... juat like a shadow... becos of him... my retribution came non stop... it's not the excuse i push all the fault on him... he's me...
All the retributions, i'm willing to take... but i have to stop the nonsence already... gal, hope u dun mind i getting abit weird... after i had revealed so many things... now i'm over stressed... not i dun wanna tell u... is i dunno how to tell u n there's too much to tell u... if i can say i will tell u ok? meanwhile, i will take all these myself... it's.... it's still the retribution... i guess...

Chapter133: War ends

2005-12-24T22:16:00.000+08:00

Tml is the last day i work for this week... next week i haven't book any work... very damn fucking had enough of working at intercon... think i better get another job first... i got one from fish, is at hilton de... but dunno leh pay damn pathetic... erm think soon will go bras brasah there to ask got part time job anot... chinese restaraunt... the lay out quite amazing... wonder how good is inside... i wanna get kitchen job!!! tired of all this service problem liao...
At intercon hor... haiz... i'm in fault... but y no one just tell me straight in the face? ahhh... dunno la... fed up working there... but at least i learn something b4 i leave... n the fucking pay till now still haven't come... ccb... 500 become 200... how? Carrine better go check properly hor... i wan my another 300 in a week's time...
Some one came into my life... i dunno la... i now anything liao... zhou yi ge yi si loh... think she's good good gal la... haiz... i'm fucking dirty, irritating n naughty boy... haiz... c fate liao loh...
Change a new blogskin... think this one ok la... last one nice... but will c untill sian leh... cos 2 colour nia... this one also hor? nvm... sian then change loh...
Ya i now looking for lessons on mahjong playing... i willing to pay the base of 20 cent 40 cent 1 tai... anybody wanna play jio me loh... must be pro abit one orh... hoho...

Chapter132: The Chalet

2005-12-21T14:00:00.000+08:00

Haha went chalet these 3 days... just came back... it's at pasir ris costa sand resort... haha go there with my dcs c class classmates... basically the whole chalet is about gambling n drinking... dunno how much liquor we drink n i nearly knock out... then i join in to play mahjong... there r quite alot of my classmates r proffesionals... n i was trying to learn n let other of my friends play also... basically the whole 3 days 2 nights i onli sleep for 3 hours during the very ending part of this morning... all the way playing mahjong like nobody business... i learn alot...
I spend almost 24 hour there figure out how to play it better n learn it from my friend... ah di is one of the pro down there... haha learn from him loh... then yesterday night play for almost 5 hours with all the pro... with real money... wa die... they play super fast... i'm the slowest... but they all said i confirm got improve... i think so too... the first time i play with them i play about 30 mins i lost 28 dollars... but now i play for so long onli 15 dollar... at least got improve ya?
Haha... then sit mrt back home... tot i overslept when i reach outram... lucky i wake up... then sit NEL... reach clarke quay i knock out... wake up reach outram... eh? y like tt... the direction like funny leh... then i figure out i got straight to punggol n shoot back to outram... -_-" haiz... too tired... 3 days no sleep... then i sleep some more... reach clarke quay i sleep again... wake up at punggol... wtf... realli... stunning man... then all the way keep myself awake till i reach farrer park... wa... damn jialet... haha i spend total 3 hour sitting train... come out kanna fine $2... haha
Yesterday i rush out to beach after kanna fuck by ah bui... ah bui is person tt have good intention... but he dunno tt he's noone to fuck ppl like tt... but i know la... so actually i'm no angry with him... i'm piss of by some one... someone tt's pretty improtant to me... i dun dare to say of love... i think i have no rights already... it's just someone important... she became quiet suddenly n dun even tok to me when i ask her something... hurts... i know something bother her... not her tt piss me off... it's i can't do a shit tt piss me of... got a very strong negative tot in my brain tt moment... if i'm nvr born, noone will have the memories of me... noone knows me... i didn't exist... will she be better? will everyone be better? it's just a tot... wish her happy... n i always will wish so... :>

Chapter131: Wat's wrong?

2005-12-17T14:34:00.000+08:00

Have been working for these few days... crazy working... haven't shit for 4 days... who cares... dun talk about it liao... so tired...
Today finally have a small break tt i can come lan shop n check mail... then bo liao go chat with ppl n read blog... haiz... now then i know... so many ppl hate me... so many sad things around... ah di ... haiz... dun talk about him.... sad case... walking the old route as i do... but i think he will do different wise... read ** ***'s blog... think i gave some wrong comments... die... think she hate me liao...
When i work these few days, i was being scold... of cos... but it's not my wrong... if i'm wrong, then everybody is wrong there... but y ppl trying to be so unfair? no matter how i think still not my fault... am i too stupid or am i correct? when i go there work, no matter who will also scold me... can feel the hatred... then i will sit alone during break time... but they call me to sit with them... but they dun even talk to me when i sit with them... they dun even care about me when i talk to them... wat they wan?
Wat i do wrong... if i'm wrong n being scold i nothing to say n will try to change my mistake... but y everbody hates me? the feeling the atmosphere... wat should i do? the dark side of me starting to be awaken... but b4 i let go of 'him', i shall judge myself one last time... i'm i wrong? and wat is WRONG? if i still felt unfair... then ok... trying to be fair to others, i will onli point my sword to the ones tt awakes 'him'... if my judgement is wrong, too bad... i'm stupid n childish ok? i'm like this...

Chapter130: Pulau Ubin trip...

2005-12-13T20:53:00.000+08:00

Wahaha when to pulau ubin today... go there cycle... actually important is to go there relax with friends la... working this whole week... must have some fun with classmates ma... if not will be very sian one... actually not very relax la... sweat alot... kanna sun tan... long time dun have this kind of contact with sun liao... happy... although realli dunno wat the hell we doing la... cycle here cycle there... down slope up slope... shack... but at least have fun with friends... tml another working day... thursday also... friday also... sat also... sun also!!! till monday then i can rest n have fun with friends in chalet... so bo bian need money... have to work... but still can comfort myself abit when waiting for the chalet to come... after chalet have to work again... if sat n sun got extra pay then i work if not go train up my body... long time no run le... them school starts event catering... then wait for my pay... always waiting... but sure my route now... is more happier... i make it more happier... but tt feeling comes again today... shake it of n concentrate on work tml ba... happy working!!!

Ah Di call me to take his act cool face while waiting for vincent... hehe

Snip Shot Vincent on cab... haha can't siam...

Doggy Black in the first temple while we stop n have some water...

Doggy White... hehe both of them so cute!!

Another snip shot of ano-neh in TM... not bad...so cool

Stupid Kenny...

Realli have a good day today... later go home bath then sleep... my ass is very pain... dunno tml how... haha...

Chapter129: Exams ended; war starting...

2005-12-08T21:41:00.000+08:00

Finally today is my last paper... pastry... regret nvr study harder... nvm... wat is pass is pass... enjoy the holiday... ya like real... have to work like a dog... the last holiday i'm working like dog too... at ritz carlton... remember is 4 days 16 hours straight... steam ah... but next week, all the money gone... keke... this friday 2-11 swissotel... sat n sun 5-3 inter-continental...
Tt's it for this week... monday 10am go ubin cycle... too no life... must join in the fun... muahaha... so shiack... must think of next week schedule... erm... must combine life n work together... but best dun spend too much money... haiz... got things to fufill... but no money.... firstly have to return money first... then buy i-pod... actually after tt wanna take rtt de... but i will sure suffer like hell... erm... think save money first... no point think of things to buy... i wanna get the nokia n92 leh... but then my bro selling me his 3230... then by when i gonna buy another phone? n92 is a pretty excellent phone.... but of cos, i still can't find the perfect one... erm...
Maybe should be know when to be satisfied in life... erm... wat to buy next? PSP? palmtop? laptop? erm... if ah di wants his palmtop back then i buy one loh... if not... save loh... hoho... got a reason to save liao... so clever... i found the use for palm top... to record lots of things... like recipes... hehe... but i pod i sure must buy... most probably next feb... erm... can i? or march? arghhh... important is how i'm going to strive now... determines how i'm going to get wat i wan in the future... if i can't even get things tt money can buy how am i going to get something money can't buy? if i can't even control my limbs, how am i going to control others? but most importantly is if i can't stay alive how am i going do all these? so morale is... life is like a pyramid but it's standing on the smallest end, tt mean dou peng... spending the legs up to the heaven... alot of things inside... money, feelings, power, health... erm... alot la... measure at a correct way so the pyramid can go higher... once the base, tt means the head, tt means life breaks... everything will be gone... left... memories... keke... i like tt describe like damn chim... nvm... i understand can liao... haha
Back to the surface... wat i'm going to do now is to think of a way to get money money... erm... then of cos use it in the right way... most important is be able to survive n not to affect my career... tt's the objectives... n hint to survive happily is to enjoy the work, the ppl there... so... make more friends!! hehe... he says... we shall enjoy wat ever we do in the future... yeah... thanx for reminding... i will...

Chapter128: Passing by...

2005-12-03T15:45:00.000+08:00

Haha pass by here n take a look... spend $1 to use for 20 min... check mail n write something here... have to work till 3 in the morning... hope i can hold on... haiz... tired... take care bloggy... take care everybody!!!

Chapter127: Limit Break LV.4

2005-12-02T13:33:00.000+08:00

Been through quite alot... suddenly think back... been almost 6 months i ord... doesn't seems like 6 months... like 1-2 year... alot happen... haiz... i changed alot this few months... i did alot of things wrong... n finally, another limit is going to break... among all my problems, relationship trouble me most... n tt's the one tt stuck me... am i selfish? i will let go as usual... am i doing it right? i dun bother... left with... money n career... tt one not i say settle then can settle... i onli can go on strong... always tot family problem won't come to me so soon... but just happen like tt... my fault... believe in the wrong principal... so, i have to change in this... i can... n slowly... i found tt i love myself more... issit? dunno... ya i love myself more... trying the fastest way to reach up high... although i'm tired always... but the result i believe is worth it... but living in this way really is lifeless... so sometime must pamper myself abit la... emotion manipulation... they won't believe... as jer says... i got the potential to do cb things... he onli can think but can't do so we have to combine in order to succeed... succeed wat? wat u mean by succeed? not say cb anot... just tt doing bad things to give ppl more happy things... not for myself... this principal won't change ba... wat i get it's just happiness... others i dun care...

Chapter126: Last dream

2005-12-01T21:05:00.000+08:00

Left with this... all dreams' gone... to bring happiness... but i'm still thinking of wat i lost... he say, i better dun do it... cos it's a waste of money n time... in front of the public... fuck... feel so down... maybe i still not up to the standard to do this... ya far away... wat he say may not be right... who is he? my brother... who's crying? my mother... so much effort i put in r just wrong... let them understand me more is wrong... if even my closest i can't let them understand me, then no one will... i won't let anyone understand the realest me... n at tt time, even now... i wish tt i could go back where i came from...

Chapter125: Work before exam

2005-12-01T20:29:00.000+08:00

This week i working on tuesday 0700 - 2300 swissotel, wednesday1200 - 1700, friday 1600 - 2300, saturday 1700 - 0300 all in inter-continental... pretty xiong... did i made the wrong move? dunno... but i need money... too bad tuesday i onli work till 1700 cos have to chiong project... not enough money now liao... die... have to think a way loh... always like tt... haiz... having problems in projects, friends, work, family n most important, relationship... biggest problem... haiz... think i reach the limit already... i give up... noone believe leh... funny... i dun care... giving out to everybody... my expectation shouldn't drop... caculated there's onli less than one of the females hit my expectation... sec3 tt time is 4... expectation improve while growing... but i dun think will grow much ba...
First, must be good gal now... second must be independent... third, must be pretty to a certain extand... fourth, must have good temper n personellaty... haha say say onli dun take it serious... but if realli have this kind of gal i think world still got hope ba... haha
Humans, will change... n will change environment... how u change depend on u actually... dun blame the environment too much... be firm... n u actually can change others... i change ppl b4... but all under 18 ba i think... cos i'm not mature enoguh n not firm enough... am i mature enough now? dunno... most probably still a long way to go... but... guys, dun change for anyone... change for urself... i will go on, with my last dream...

Chapter124: Practical Exam

2005-12-01T19:41:00.000+08:00

Before i start anything, gonna do a flash back... got alot of things i gonna say to my bloggy... but can't realli think well now... too tired... so start with today then move backwards...
Today is my practical exam n the last one before i go for event catering... exam is like tt... everybody gonna pass up a asia dish n a main course... asia dish we know is wat... "Shrimp paste chicken" very easy... cut chicken, put shrimp paste, put corn starch, mix, deep fry... so easy... so no worry... difficult part is, main course... nobody know wat the hell we getting... instructor say, we will have all the vegetables ingredients we normally use... then starch must be potato n not others... n main item... random pick... get a number on monday... then today morning then we get the surprise... mdm flora pass me... first sight i tot chicken... then go back c again, eh? y the wing so funny one... so long... die... it's duck... one of the most "i like to eat" item... but one of the most "i dunno how to cook" item....
Mdm flora give us some hint on how she gonna do... some hint onli la... i stone there for a while... i can effort to stone... cos everybody cramp the whole "market"... all excited... maybe scare... then saw my ex partner... johnson a.k.a dirty old man, the face also damn sian... then i ask, wat u get? he take the thing n ram on the table... lamb shank... all time non-favourite... k la... give me i know how to do cos i do before... but too bad can't change... mdm say take it as a challenge... say nicer is like tt la... haiz... bo bian do loh...
most difficult part is to debone the duck... different from chicken... chicken i pro la... but this one... spend nearly half n hour to debone plus collect ingredients... manage to debone without breaking the skin... shiok... then take all the bone to boil... do simple brown stock... braise the duck... after tt roast the duck... inside the duck got herbs n nut stuffings... then chopped up the green apple, throw inside sauce... bring to extreme boil... strain, continue boiling... bast the roast duck... if i got the equipment i think i will try chinese cooking "Beijing roast duck"very powerful dish too bad use ang moh roasting loh... then i know the duck already cooked... continue like tt may become overcooked... scare... have to make it brown faster... but no honey... then use sugar loh... roast at 500 degree F... then the whole thing turn to full blast... scare if let the heat get inside it will overcook... high heat short time...
Then i notice i no need roux... cos in the bone marrow of the duck bone got gelatine which will thicken the sauce after reduction... hoho save time... actually cutted my hand a few times, but now i more zai liao so onli abit of skin goes... didn't c blood at all... but ah di cut his hand damn deep...he blame masumi for making his knife so sharp... stupid excuse... finally going to done liao... nearly forget my vege... last minute boil it ice it sauteed it... serve... the thing is like tt... mashed potato below, vege, roast duck on top... learn from inter-continental... sauce on top... then found this yellow thingy on my table... eh? lemon? i take lemon for wat? fuck, cos duck bone marrow n brown sauce's tomato paste is very easy eat till dun wan to eat item... then plus mash potato although they may not eat tt... but overall will make ppl very "ni" like eat too much cheese cake tt feeling... so must put citrus item to lift the feeling up... so i take lemon n green apple... but forget put lemon... wtf? haiz... add in on the plate a bit... so got two colour, can't find olive oil to push up the presentation... use fork to draw 4 line... but in the end become like a fire ball shape for the sauce... so happy create new technics... hehe serve...
Mdm flora didn't give comment in front of my friends but when i go help her she told me tt, she pretty surprise, but to go even higher standard, i have to brush up my sensation of my tongue... i'm still not experience enough, but good to continue learning... hehe so happy... she praise me leh... haha go home go brush my tongue... feel satisfied... hmmm got to buck up more... this is my career... think qualify to go next level...
After exam, go clarke quay a place call "brewerks" to chill... all the way from school to clarke quay, ah di, alvin, vincent, kenny n me talk cock all the way... all kinds of stupid cock... wah... really cockster loh they all... ah di n alvin under 18, so they kanna ban from drinking... then i drink untill drunk... do stupid things in the bright day light... then go capitol long john there knock out... alvin ah di n kenny go swissotel interview... then come back say wanna go damien place drink again... my head damn pain loh... haiz... so i walk here... hehe a pretty happy day... but must control money... tml after school then work... sian... but for money ma... waiting for the 15th to come... poor like hell liao...

Chapter123: Another dream

2005-11-26T21:06:00.000+08:00

I dun worth anything... really... not pessimistic... i know, my retribution comes to an end... to end this i have to sacrifice another dream of mine... it truely prove tt i'm not capable... i made this mess... i tot it's becos they should be the closest, so i can show more of myself... so the closest shouldn't c the real side of u... becos u will hurt them...
Because of sacrificing my dream, i have to sacrifice my love... to her... i love her, but it doesn't matter i give up anot, there's nothing at the end... but i'm happy tt she's still with me... as a friend... she's the special one... special friend... other than tt, noone will be more special than her... n the one who is most special to her, will really love her, i hope, n i can onli hope... i can't do a thing... she decides... if this can be change, it should change much earlier than i give up... but now, i onli can hope n pray for her...
My inner self hints me... no matter it's lie or truth... i trust her... wat i can lost to her it's already lost... i still trust her... she's beyond the red line in my heart... she the onli one in this world... "gal... hope at least i am in front of ur red line..." it's the end...

Chapter122: Sure good to exercise

2005-11-25T23:49:00.000+08:00

Haha went running with ah di just now... he told me the route, i scare... like damn far... but actually not tt far la... around 2.5 km... but scare i cannot take it... ah di 17 onli n i'm 20... although he is abit plump la, but he so young n i slack like nobody's business these few month.... haven't run for more than 6 months... scare... warm up abit then run liao...
I got abit of experience in army ma, so can teach him abit on running... cos he decide to slim down n i decide to train up... at first he still can talk to me... then slowly slowly, less then 300 m... he like can't talk much liao... then i like still talking loh... run till mid point, he like stich liao... cos after eating... haiz... i scare to pace myself slower cos got try pacing ppl in the end i not enough breath... but i scare he faint half way loh... so dark... 9 plus liao... aiya... slow down...

Ok la... slow till quite slow... then still can make it la... but he already dragging his foot... try to encourage him but like cannot leh... scare talk too much then he reply me too much then faint also... haiz... nvm... slow slow... tell him not to stop cos he stop then can't start anymore... very very surprise i really no kick leh... onli asshole abit itchy, toes abit pain, cos shoe is my bro one... then nothing else loh... calf abit straining... forget stretch tt part.... then he finally gave up... like nvm la... he one year nvr run liao.... this time is just run yi si yi si... let him walk loh... then run the same pace as he walk i like wa... no kick but toes damn pain... wish can faster finish...
Then reach 3/4 i say i run first... cos i still far from my limit... wait in front the fitness corner... then start army 2.4 gold speed liao.... wa the kick is like bloody hell de jia lat... still have to cross the road at the speed more xiong... luckily car very slow there... have to run faster than car tt part... then about reaching ending... i sprint liao... reach there do some chin-up push-up... saw zheng da doing stupid training there... hang himself on monkey bar then do sit up... but he scare to do... stupid... haha...
Then ah di reach cool down, then go drink water... damn thirsty, he worst... ok la... still can make it... talk cock till 11 plus then go home... bath... shiok ah... wa... in heaven... must run more liao... wahaha.... find ka ki... next time free come yishun run with him... slowly he will reach the standard... slim down... hehe he got motive one la... but happy for him, n happy for myself...

Chapter121: My Prayers V; REBIRTH

2005-11-25T20:14:00.000+08:00

This is special,

First time I ever have this feeling,

It's not the first impression,

It's something growing stronger and stronger...

She had mostly pass my expectation,

She's the ideal one...

Just like an angel,

Glowing with light...

So bright when I see her in the darkness...

You are my Angel...

She made me worst then dead,

Torture me,

Unintentionally...

But I didn't mind that,

Cause this will make her happy...

Perhaps this is the best I could do for her...

Doesn't matter with me anymore,

Enough,

Slowly I know why my retribution didn't end...

Because,

I didn't realise how much I did,

How much I hurt a person...

How much changes I inflict to the environment...

And I didn't stop,

Although I thought elsewise,

But I didn't stop...

If I realise my mistakes,

It will be the end of my retribution...

End of Sorrow...

I thought I was dead,

The pain cause by her is so much,

I wish I'm dead,

But she says:

"I'll keep you in my prayers, Vyn..."

The blessing,

The prayers,

I feel them,

I'm blessed...

I...

REBIRTH

She bring me peace,

As this,

My prayers...

To someone above the clouds...

"Please, bring her happiness,

nature...

The true love that she wants,

The real love...

Please...

Please!!!"

This is the first time,

I prayed so hard...

If one day you fell off from the cliff of heavens,

I will be there waiting for you...

Sincerely,

I will be here...

And I know,

You will do the same thing for me...

Vyn

Chapter120: Retribution

2005-11-24T22:19:00.000+08:00

Maybe it's really retribution... i hurt her realli hard i think... i'm guilty... her future was almost gone in my hands... it's my fault... it's my greatest sin... can sin be forgiven? unless tt person forgive... if not, it will nvr be forgiven... she forgive me? she say yes... but did i forgive myself? no point crying over spilt milk... i do my best to clean up... but she say no need... wat can i still do? did i forgive myself?
I tried not to hurt anyone again... tried... but it's impossible... although i keep it to the slightest... being a better guy... n i face all the pain in relationships... i'm tired of being a good guy... but i still can't forgive myself... say anything... say anything u like... i just wan it my way... it maybe stupid... but this is the way Alvin Ho was born... i just take this as a retribution...
Already near to 4 years... n i'm facing pain over n over again... didn't i put in enough effort? maybe... or, the sin i had done is too thick to be remand... i dunno... i still follow my way n not step back the way i was 4 years ago... if tt's so, i will pay my retribution my whole life...

Chapter119: Vomit using asshole

2005-11-24T19:59:00.000+08:00

Recently had gastric pain for a few days... then after tt i felt tt i got alot of guess inside... shit n fart all day... haiz... so sad... cannot take it liao... still go school... then weather changed so funny nowadays... she going to fall sick... better take care... if realli sick go c doctor ba... health more important... haiz... hope my stomach can get better... shit untill ass hole bleed liao... haiz... ya tt's it...

Chapter118: Care

2005-11-23T20:35:00.000+08:00

I'm caring for u, not onli him... we all care for u... but u too have some problems... y dun u just be humble n learn? u r still young, u r still growing... it's not wrong for u to have problems... wat i wan is tt u 2 be together n smile... if u think all this really offend u, n i have no right to say anything like tt to u, tell me first ok? i will nvr disturb u anymore, if u really hate me, i can disappear from u guys... but tell me, if not i dunno... i know u have some problems, read ur blog... tt's realli not my problem... n i dun think u will like me to give u any more advice... find ur guy... take care n good luck...

Chapter117: For you...

2005-11-23T20:22:00.000+08:00

Dear gal... i think most probably u already put in everything for him... i have nothing to say... i'm no one but just ur normal friend... i hope i can even step in more... i wan to know more about u... abit by abit... u know, i'm making myself everyday, cos i know... if i'm sad u won't be happy... same to u... if u r sad i won't be happy... wish tt if u have anythings u have in mind just tell me... i really hope i can hear more... i'm always there for u... u know? no matters wat future becomes i dun mind anymore... just hope tt i'm here to cheer u up n share ur problems... i think a friend should do this isn't it? n of cos... if u free can msg me on the phone or call me... :> n remember to take care k? really really miss u... now sushi tei had close... dunno where i can find u again... wanna c u, wanna talk to u... I will be happy for u...

Chapter116: Past

2005-11-23T20:07:00.000+08:00

U know, growing up till so old... everybody got their past... maybe can be normal, sad, pathetic, or ridiculous... but it's the past...wat's realli matter is now n future... y ppl keep looking at their past? be safe? dun be silly... dun be selfish... change is a consistency...

Chapter115: Nice Movie!!!

2005-11-22T21:12:00.000+08:00

Wa!!! so nice... Advent Children really worth buying leh... so nice... but they fight very fast like ninja... but the main character's sword damn big still can fight so fast... haha show onli ma... but worth buying the original dvd... for final fantasy fan collection... hoho but singapore still haven't lauch yet... wait loh... hoho so shiok...

Chapter114: Pastry presentation...

2005-11-22T11:59:00.000+08:00

Today i going to do my pastry presentation... group with yu cheng... a not bad guy but i think he some time abit bo chap one... but i think he at least give me face to do with me loh.... then he prpare the recipe then we wait for the day to come.... then this morning i wake up myself.... found something not right.... then msg ah di... whether we need to buy the ingredients ourselves anot... stunt... need... i dun think yu cheng know loh... all the infor i get for him one... if ask me wat i do for this project i shall say i take note of all info... cos he always nvr come... wth... then go call him... he indeed dunno... then he say he buy himself... 2 more hour later start liao... now then buy... wa... die liao... then he pass me the recipe i abit comfort liao... recipe is like tt...

4 eggs

8 oz butter

8 oz sugar

8 oz self-rising flour

juice of 2 lemons

3 tablespoons icing sugar

Tt's it... wat the... seems quite simple... is this a cake or wat... wa... dunno la... later die then say... dun dare to think liao... haiz... hope can at least pass...

last week got poc practical... we did a pretty nice job...i know the weak point of all member then i make use of it put it on our work... got low marks go high marks one... 3 cos ma... but the high marks one should be able to safe the low marks one.... so to make the average an above average result... for a group like this... actually i expect higher... but dun be greedy la... haha... i like this group is becos although behind each other ppl r not happy with each other... n also go cocksters in the group... i'm one of it... hehe but... they have to act close as a group... n they indeed put in effort to act... cos their base r still naive boys n gals... haha... so for our final marking, cleanliness we got 5 marks full marks... u c? we rush back start clearing up everything liao... i'm not the leader but i tok the most... but they listen leh... hehe maybe i oldest la... k have to leave liao... go northpoint there c got open anot... then eat then go school liao... dun waste time...

Chapter113: Advent Children

2005-11-22T11:20:00.000+08:00

Feel like changing a blogskin... then find here find there for a few weeks can't find the right one... then yesterday lesson cancelled, then very the free so go west mall walk walk.... saw comics connection, go in c got wat comic new anot...
Then right in front of the entrance saw this tv... showing a very nice computer graphic show... wa... like real one sia... but at first sight i know wat show liao... cos i play b4 this game... final fantasy VII... becos the this game is very nice... game play, story, all very nice... but the graphic is very limited tt time... then came out FF 8,9,10,11,12... all graphic much better then 7... so ppl think is a waste...i think tt's y they come out with this... Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children

FF ever came out a movie call Final Fantasy movie: Spirit Within. This show ok... tt time graphic is top 10 one loh... c already all stunt... then the ending song also came from my favourite band L`Arc~en~Ciel; Spirit Deep Inside... i hear the voice i know who sing liao... haha my idol ma... then tt time is 2000 or 2001... after a few years came out final fantasy second movie loh... but i c a few parts of it... very very nice... the way they fight a bit like not human la, but still touch to ground one... no one know how to fly... onli know how to jump... onli monsters some can fly cos got wings ma... but anyway this is final fantasy... how they talk how they move all like real like tt... then also got abit comedy... haha very perfect... for me this show is very near to my perfection already... hope next time they can come out one tt i can't imagine one...
Then i go back yishun find... search the whole northpoint... i know i no money buy, but at least know wat's the price... then search liao dun have... cannot be... i think they didn't officially lauch in singapore... comics connection tt one i think is pirated one... then i go yishun one secret place to find... they say have but sold out.... tml then come... how much? 10 dollar... hehe can buy... so cheap... then i say i will come back one... haha last time always buy from there one... so tt mean later i going to find liao...c have anot... hehe... then came back look at my blog... haiz... then go search got advent children anot.... but all not nice.... hehe onli one... i think this one best... nice feeling... u c the graphic not bad hor? hoho... spend a few hour to edit... here comes my new blog...

Chapter112: Inter-continental

2005-11-20T22:17:00.000+08:00

Recently i went to inter-continental work... haiz... very xiong loh... worst then ritz carlton n swissotel loh... pay so low... then the ppl working there also very the guai lan... feel like going back to army... but nvm... i also quite guai lan, so they all also nvr bulli me much... but also got a few good guys la... barathi, malathi, kannan, shaiful, philips and plus a few more new birdie...

Haha found this new friend Barathi... 18 years old... so beautiful loh... first time c such attractive indian gal... better than her sis malathi... :p haha very gum with her leh... her sister abit fierce la... haha... then her brother also work there as a manager... kannan... very talkative guy... hokkien talk like water... all of them like tt... wondering whether they mix blood anot... haha...

Haha cock up alot of things down there la... fuck it... just try my best loh.... for money ma... bo bian...

Haiz... think alot recently... but just can't write here... after she scolded me... forget it... just put it in my heart... time to rest bloggy... haiz... i had fallen even deeper now...

Chapter111: Out in the midnight...

2005-11-20T20:35:00.000+08:00

Think it's the last saturday... went yck find jeremy after work at 0100... then dunno y decided to walk to khatib... then take train again back to yck then take train back to khatib again.... dunno wat the fuck i donig sia nvm... it's fun...

the cat at the coffee shop...

wat's tt? haha the cat is licking jer...

looks like a dead cat...

beautiful sunset again...

Chapter110: Am I wrong?

2005-11-14T19:43:00.000+08:00

Am I wrong to be hurt

Am I wrong to feel pain

Am I wrong to be in the rain

Am I wrong to wish the night won't end

Am I wrong to cry

But I know, it's not wrong to sing The Last Song

Cause forever fades...

By: X JAPAN

Chapter109: I have to do so...

2005-11-14T19:29:00.000+08:00

Been thinking over these matter recently... going through my mind over n over again... All my projects... POC, Pastry n baking... MPP... n my exams... it's so near n so fast... i know this, i have no self disipline... i have but definately not enough... can't even make myself wake up... as a chef, this is very important... but i dun have enough... i have to change...
Thinking about her... she changed... the way she talk to me... different from the time i just know her... dunno y... i can predict wat's happening... but i dun dare... dun dare to confirm... cos it hurts me more... i realli love this feeling... although it's just conversations... but i hope this will stay or even improve... i can't expect much from myself, i dun dare to expect much from her also...
15 dp accumilated... have to stop the nonsence... totalli... if i can't even change this, i can't move on... either i quit school n go out learn from others, or i change this n put in all effort... to save all my effort b4, i have to choose the second one... with all the trouble in school i can't have more energy to do anything for u... u know? dun think i should do much... cos u choose it ur own... dice not in my hand... no matter wat happen... trust... someone is alike with u... in ur heart... the good n evil... this person had this same with u... find him, he will be there no matter being a friend or wat... cos he treasure this things, this fate...

Chapter108: How u feel?

2005-11-10T23:35:00.000+08:00

Just read through alot of blog... found tt everybody got their problem... know this thousand of years ago... tt's y there's blog, n tt's y we r call human... some of the cases just can't be help, like wat i say... some can be solve, but often problem ended up unsolved... cos human knows to give up, cos there's a limit to a person... whether u know ur limits...
But another way round... everybody got their own use... look at the bangla over there... i'm worst then him in some sense... last time i'm much worst... it's just tt the family he's born in... he can't do a shit... but he also can do something but he's not smart n preservance enough... tt's an example...
He too got his problem, but how big is tt problem? everyone else have... actually tt's the interesting part... thing is how u gonna solve it? She had her problem... huh? she la... tt one la... aiya... ***** loh... she had her trouble... she didn't show... can feel tt she's irritating... cos she got her problem... shouldn't be angry with her... she's onli 17... she's finding her way for her future... i can't do anything... she help herself...
Tt gal also... ***** la... she got some problem but she cannot tell me... too bad i promise not to ask... but she seems to find me irritating... haha... i dunno y i like her character... too bad... just let it be... think it back should change my character... stop irritating her... hope her happi... think she will be...
******, a super hot tempered gal... told her all the advice i could squeeze out of my mind... but not a little turn better for the relationship with her bf... told her... her temper maybe her greatest weak point... hope noone will harm her using tt... even if happens... i can do nothing... i had said wat i can said... not my job to change her n entertain her... wat she wants is not me... is him... let's stop the stupid story of the 3 man group ok?
Lastly is *******... u know the distance between u.s.a n singapore? tt's the distance between me n her... but i try so hard to pull the distance... n? i have to lan lan suck thumb n c her with tt fucker... issit too harsh to say so... u think i care? ******* if u hates me? just let it be.... better still... i had enough... all of this...
** ****... nearly forget about him... he's such a stupid guy... just doing stupid things everytime... but wat he realli wants? just tt all the ppl around him to be happi... hope he could do something... then y he wanted to study culinary skills? but too bad... he's not talented... n pretty useless... wish him luck...
Fuck up.... realli... hopeless... enough... i dun bother... enough... y should i bother how u feel? do u bother how i feel? no need to say anything... love urself more... nights....

Chapter107: There's nothing i can do...

2005-11-10T20:09:00.000+08:00

Some elderly told me before"know ur limit n know when to stop..." as i grow up i understand... understand n performing is 2 different case... Sometimes is i know but just can't control... sometimes is dun wan to control... 1st example... like today at mrt... i damn bad mood liao then the mr alvin tan still come here disturb me... beat me... can feel a bit pain liao... warning alot of times liao, still dunno how to stop... cb... chase him loh... floor slippery... dun dare to run too fast... then is like fucking du lan liao, dunno y stop also... just sit down, maybe is sub concious mind stop myself... then he come over say sorry i just fuck him... if tt time i chasing him he caught by me, i sure whack his face... can't control...
2nd example... knowing someone doing wrong things, someone i loves... tok to her alot of times... quarrel, done alot... but nothing help... keep on thinking the way out... i should stop i know... but... i dun wan... finally i stopped... cos i c the morale behind her story... onli one phrase can describe... "lan lan suck thumb"
Did i stop at the right time? too late dun say la... if too late i also cannot reverse... but am i too early? ask myself... i dunno... analyse the whole problem... think i should stop long time ago... but i didn't... ppl tell me stop liao... n also told me the same reason i analyse... "There nothing i can do..." ya it's true... alot of things i just can't do anything... i lan lan have to give up... but for her, i pretty confirm i should give up liao... but for another her? i realli tried my best? actually to the end, important is wat's the consiquence... would i lose a friend? would i lose anything... give n take not so important i think... ah... watever...
So i decided to stop... so stop loh.... dun think so much liao... cos there's nothing i can do...

Chapter106: Pastry; class intro

2005-11-10T19:29:00.000+08:00

Hoho dunno this is wat day... got pastry... monday i think... took some pic of my class...

Mr. George Chow... Want to rob the pastry IS ah?

Da jie!!! Onli gal willing to take photo with me... hehe not wan to collect ur album la... just to keep u guys in mind...

Mr. Justin Chua... My pastry teacher... very kind... n generous... haha lucky to have him...

Dunno y take this pic... miss cue take one... very artistic... haha

Mr. Jason Boo... Very good at cooking... handsome some more... wat is tt face of mine?

Mr. Lawrence.... dunno wat his surname... mr invisible man... haha he damn quiet one loh... but nowadays more n more like me liao... tok cock very good, haha tok more la... today change of IS time u also dunno... all forget u liao...

Mr Johnson Goh... a.k.a D.O.M(Dirty Old Man) a.k.a Lao Di Ko...

This is my dish for italian cuisine tt day... sucks... haiz...

Went prata session with them... took while going back home... "Verna & Pear"

Took one day while working... the actual one more nice... dunno y take untill like tt... haha so lousy...

Chapter105: On the track...

2005-11-07T20:48:00.000+08:00

Today go school... full shift... early 6 o'clock wake up... forget wat's my promise yesterday... still lazing around... promise myself nvr ever late again... but here i goes again... haiz... but nvm... i still got abit time... eat some cookies found on the corner of the kitchen floor... hack care... hungry... at least eat something... then drink a packet of cold green tea... go school loh...
Reach outram park hungry liao... too bad... wait loh... reach bukit batok... 0750... oh... gonna late... lucky i onli have to change a shirt... before reach gate saw lokeman... going makan... huh? tot lesson going to start liao? dunno la... maybe he tell teacher he going to faint... but y wearing home clothes sia? dun care... faster go inside... change n go pastry room... no lights... eh? call ah di... he at kathib still... wtf.... he say lesson start 9, not 8... fuck... haiz... time table right 8 leh... dun care... go eat... tok cock with lokeman... then start... dunno do wat custard thingy la... the sugar like those in show ppl use to wack ppl's head tt kind of beer bottle material... sweet untill bitter... than go demo... my practical test kanna chicken tigh boneless... think should be easy la... dunno tt gal wan to do like how... she like taking her time leh... nvm one la... untill the end i got my solution... let her try out...
Friday is important... have to past up our recipe... tt gal still like very relax leh... nvm... do back up can liao... have to check for my jamaican restaurant menu setting... roughly got idea liao... but need something like powerpoint to do... bo bian... have to go home... have to study menu planning test oso... confirm tt one is thursday study one... u think i got extra time to handle tt meh? today monday... gone liao... tml have a good rest then afternoon go work... swissotel... wednesday lesson end early... going to shangri-la with tan brothers n ah di... thursday is critical part... hope by tt time tt gal done wat she wan liao... by tt time should fly back yishun to do the 3 things... hope tt gal can help me da at least the recipe thing... or wednesday have to go back yishun with my barang barang then go to school straight from there... haiz... know my stress? haven't finish, next thursday got practical test... hope i can clear my mind by then... something still clinging my nerve... fuck... i have to go on... next next tuesday pastry presentation... these 2 weeks this 2 thing should be the important thing.... stress? haven't finish... after this 2 weeks, all the exam no matter practical or theory all lub together... dun think onli i stress, all of my friends... those cannot take it one drop school, or go find help from others... but everyone also stress wat... so u need help? fuck off... but i won't like tt... cos a survivor from this test will be another challenge for me... another stair for me to climb... if i cannot climb? hope i can fall to death... n i hope death is wat a waiting... cb... i like this life man... keke interesting...
In order to support myself concentration, i have to exercise liao... also a way of de-stress... better than every day masturbate right? haha good good... everything's on track... this stress is stronger than last few months... but i feel more shiok... maybe i take this to forget all my pain... no... to cure all my pain in relationship... all settle, family still got abit la... but no need care so much first... tt one still nothing... sad part had already gone... but the pain i still remember my heart... cos i said, "I will remember the pain u gave me, forever..."

Chapter104: Sunday...

2005-11-06T19:06:00.000+08:00

Go Shangri-la interview... found tt sunday bo interview one... cos hr nvr open... nvm loh... either thursday or friday go again... damn u-lu... come back home c my favourite movie... Moon Child... found their acting skill so lousy... but the story very nice... haiz... going back liao... sad... i miss her alot... today still go there find her... always do stupid things to not feel the pain... haiz... face it ba.... always tell esther n jeremy some stupid things... now they all like du lan liao... better be so... if not later sure call me drink coffee untill dunno wat time... better go back n think it through... haiz... maybe it's good to let me just miss her like tt n nvr get her... cos like tt i will concentrate on my work more... haiz... Today her birthday... sure play with her bf till very late.... faster go sleep la... u aging le... haiz... Happy Birthday.............^_^

Chapter103: Hari raya

2005-11-06T18:41:00.000+08:00

Sleep till 7 then wake up... then go home n do somethings then go meet jeremy n ting... aka esther... then tok cock then go home... very sian... seriously... i nvr feel so lost man... haiz... have to think a way out liao... all the problem squeeze together...
Next day friday went to school... snip shot my friends... let me intro...

My da jie da... oldest student in my class... but she very very kind n caring...

Verna Wanarni... indonesia student... our class baby... very cute also...
After tt got counselling session by leong... cos dp too high.... then he intro me go Shangri-la interview for kitchen job... after tt go swissotel work... saturday also... haiz... long time no work... friday night work one night then saturday nvr go school... can't wake up... just kanna counselling then now like tt.... promise won't happen liao... took some nice pic from 69th floor in swissotel...

Night view of central singapore...

Ritz Carlton n some other hotels... Haiz...

Horizon...

Suntec...

Actually can c my farrer park house from here leh... guess which one my block?

Sunset reflection...

Lion city...

It's nice seeing things from above... but will get giddy... it's also nice seeing thing from below... human just dun understand...

Chapter102: Wednesday...

2005-11-06T18:16:00.000+08:00

Wednesday still have to go school... better go la... dp very high liao... no money c doctor.... yesterday spend 65 bucks liao... haiz... morning got asia cooking in demo kitchen... leong cock up something... so bo bian... we have to go demo one by one go fry the rice... but good la... got lunch eat... took some funny photo of my classmates...

yu xiu... so scare to fry the rice sia... haha damn cute if u c her fry rice...

Rou bing... a very power gal... haha very attractive though... haha finally took her photo... dun angry orh...

Then afternoon at western IS cook fusion seafood n fish... anyhow do la... run out of ideas liao... haiz...

So ugly... haiz...

Then after school esther call me go out eat... cos she dun wan me rot at home.... then she say she give... ok la... being a gigglo isn't tt bad at all... just how u dun care ppl look at u... went to some where near balestier eat... she intro me 2 of her friend.... eileen n dao ren...

My hp slow sia... ppl go out of post liao then take...

Another miss shot...

Then later they pyshco me go zouk... haiz tt is a lousy place... somemore so cramp... although i eat alot of toufu but kanna squeeze dunno how many times... haiz... sad... inside zouk i c this....

Look like wat? like ghost sia... haha is esther la... so horrible...

Haiz... in the end sleep at eileen house cos i totalli can't take it liao... so tired... 3 ppl sleep one bed... then go home tt time i also blur blur... just feel tt i like gigglo... haiz...

Chapter101: Deepavali

2005-11-06T17:58:00.000+08:00

Yeah no school tt day... but no money oso... got onli 100 bucks with me... so better stay at home... lazy to move... dun wan to wash clothes... haiz... so lazy... my bro yesterday went australia for exercise wallaby... so his hp lend me... but next time oso will be mine one la... 3230... take alot of pic... took my grandma photo...

cute ma?

Then bo liao go n msg aries... ask her wanna go out eat anot... feel like seeing ade... some more she's working... go far east c her...then bo liao msg esther oso... tot she should be outside with jeremy... she say she rotting at orchard... so ask her wat's wrong loh... but she dun feel like replying... c she so moody so i cancel go out with aries then fly to orchard c esther loh... sit down there she just keep quite... make a sushi built with wasabi on top... haiz... to make her cheer up i even eat the whole thing... very de nan chi... will die one loh... wa lau... but still ok la... try to cheer her up... then bring her go around walk walk...
Try my best liao... she seems to be happier... but once she c jeremy msg she even more sad... haiz... jeremy ah jeremy ah... haiz... i really dunno wat to do... so go drink some alcohol loh... at far east 7-11... she's just so sad...

face red liao...

Then go bishan sit at coffee shop n tok cock with her.... she make me damn sad also... haiz... wat's this man.... sometimes felt tt all my effort just go down the drain... this gal not my gf y i put in so much effort? she's my buddy's gf loh... issit my buddy's fault? from tt angle i think so... y u like tt? she's a nice gal loh... haiz... nice... but not my type la... i think...

Chapter100: No. 100 entry

2005-11-06T17:56:00.000+08:00

Hoho... this is the number 100 entry... yeah... thanx bloggy... help me store so many stupid things of mine... haha hope there will be 200 or 300 entry... take care my friend... huggiez...

Chapter99: I feel it

2005-11-02T16:47:00.000+08:00

Been settling my problems one by one... can settle one all settle liao... left a few... these few seems like all connected... one not settle, will go back to square one for others... i'm finding the main factors... i feel it... relationship is the trap...
This special feeling i feel for her is not so normal... having me to make a promise to make her happi... it hurts when the trust is not there... seriously... been to the spit route tt night, realli dunno wat to do... i guess it's his trap... bro, y u like tt? making me doing all this sai gang... worst then wat i get in ktsc... so i open my mind... if this's wat u wan... maybe i'm too sensative... but this feeling will nvr fade, n this principal is the one i will always follow, is i lan lan have to follow... if not... either i'm just end up in woodbridge or changi... i have to hold on... this is my nature... so as long this continues, relationship problems won't grow anymore...
This feeling... it's danger... someone, i guess more than one... is aiming at me... just like the feeling when u r have mission in forest, someone aiming at u... twice... the problem just hit me... ccb... i'm angry... y tt fucker have to do this kind of uneducated move... second, even he wan to harm me, also i have to be stupid enough to kanna shot right? it's my mistake, i will take any responsibility... but careful... u nvr know wat hits u when u fire the next round aiming on my head.... prevent is better than cure, i dun wan to c bad things happen so i give this warning... if u nvr c this, good luck...i feel it... ur pathetic evilness is routing ur brain...

Chapter98:Angry Factor...

2005-10-31T17:33:00.000+08:00

I remember actualli... i used to be a angry factor... tt means i always make ppl angry unexpectedly... recently when i getting use of civilian life i found this... it's just how i tok la... forget it... if i realli do make u angry so easily, either there something wrong with u, or something wrong with me... change it or keep a distance... haiz.... watever...

Chapter97: Happy Birthday, Sis!

2005-10-31T17:20:00.000+08:00

Yesterday is my sis birthday... i decided to cook something for her... but she last min say she got performance... so cannot eat wat i cook... so i make a cake for her... i just learn how to make cheese cake... so i make for her...

Happy Birthday...

This is wat i cook for myself... alot...

Chapter96: Being urself...

2005-10-29T18:23:00.000+08:00

I learn quite alot of things all this while... but i didn't learn one very basic thing... is how to be myself... i realli dunno... so hard to learn now... last time i always tolerate other ppl's mistakes... even ppl pissing me off i still try to tolerate... cos i was thinking tt maybe one day in the future i may need them... but is this the right way? i'm restricting myself from alot of things... i'm not happi...
I learn from a gal, Mabel, how to be myself... a indeed i'm happi... i give up acting is becos i dun wanna get rich... but stupid me just dun understands... wat i wan? skills n knowledge.... but if i just being mself n do wat ever i wani won't learn a thing also... so how? i dunno... i dun think tt little gal can teach me anything more... cos i won't be able to c her real person for the rest of my life... so... have to figure it mself already...

Chapter95: Something's wrong...

2005-10-26T21:49:00.000+08:00

Dunno wat to write actually... just come here to check my mail...
Still feels down today... dunno y... something's wrong... there sad feeling still lingers around my heart... issit becos i dun have money? or issit becos i did my lousiest cooking for my whole IS life? or issit becos i'm lonely? or issit becos of her... something's wrong...
I saw her photo... miss her still... but trying my best to pull away... i already admit my uselessness in this side of me... n i dun think i can do anything much to be better... onli way is to be with her... other ways r stupid... n still will make me sad... how? so i do nothing... n concentrate on wat i must do... but there feeling still lingering in my heart... it's the feeling of sadness... wat's this man... gotta be better tml i hope... maybe tml i will contact her once again for after 3-4 days...

Chapter94: My existence, my destiny...

2005-10-25T20:46:00.000+08:00

I believe everyone has their meaning of existence n their destiny... my turn had actually come... but will i suceed? i dunno... in this life there r alot of things u can do or u cannot do... for me... u just have to try n do the best... this is my life...
Now i know y i can't win him... i know y i can't bring the smile he bring to her... cos we r on different parrallel... i know... but tt's the same as i m me n he is him... different route... so i will carry on for my own route... this is my life...
This morning i found tt... the crave for her has increased... so funny... remember when in the starting i still can withdraw myself from this affair... but nvr predicted i will stuck this deep now... but i will still control this crave... this is my life...
I will prove my existence... the stronger u r the stronger is ur existence... perhaps i realli have talent... i will do my best... hardworking is also a talent i believe... i will prove my existence to everyone in my life... this is my route... this is my life...

Chapter93: Depression...

2005-10-23T18:50:00.000+08:00

I admit... This is the worst time i had been through... I realli consider this as depression... keke i'm even biting myself... i need mental rest...

Ade... this is the worst time i've been... u r not by my side... becos i nvr tell u to... even i had i dun think u will come... nvm... becos u too r sad but at least he's by ur side ba...

Ade... i had think this through n through... i should support wat u doing... but my heart just can't give up... it's all my heart...

So... this really tortures me... over n over again... but ting told me... it's not up to me to make the choice... no matter wat u do, i can't do anything except telling u over n over again... u r damn fan i guess...

Since, i can't make any decision... y am i still holding u back n telling u so many things tt u dun wan to hear... ya, i should let go... u should do wat u like... dun think of the future, just treasure wat u love...

Ade... i need u... but nvm... if one day u think tt u need me, just contact me... if it's still not too late then i will sure be there, waiting for u... n i promise i will love u more than u ever know...

Now then i know, how weak i can go... i think i have to cool myself down... my problems r not those whether i work hard anot then i can settle... i will just do wat i can do now... thanx for all ur care guys...

Chapter92: Blue Label

2005-10-23T11:41:00.000+08:00

This is me drinking blue label in the morning... expensive brandy... haha

Chapter91: My existence...

2005-10-23T10:25:00.000+08:00

Do my existence really an excess? sometime i think so... most probably everyone think before, y r they born... most probably fated to do something for someone n for urself, create something, destroy something, enjoy something, love someone, hate someone, or wat ever.... alot of possibility... but i believe wat i do is up to me always... fate is in my hand, n my hands create my fate... although often there's some other things or ppl tt will disturb my path, but i still make the final choice n i overcome the problem myself...

Life is always repeating... having problem n settle problem... so i ever wonder is there a system to settle one of the problem in life n follow the system without much changes... i create a system for work myself... dunno how long this will last... at least i realli put in the effort on doing something in life...

Seriously i'm sick n tired of living... do my existence have any real meaning? from the time i start to know things around me, i felt tt i'm pretty useless... beside i'm a "unhandicapped" person,other then tt, i think i'm a pretty good for nothing person... when i was young, no matter wat competition i go for, my group will normally be first or second counted from behind... even if i work realli hard... slowly grow up, i'm nvr number one... i tried so hard... or i didn't try enough... realli useless...

Growing even older, i tried to help ppl from relationships... i tot i indeed got help... once, i felt tt my existence is there... but later when i move a side, problems r all settled.... like evangeline, i tried to help her abit although i indeed like her a bit... i just want her to be happy... after awhile without contact, she get wat she wans... like i nvr exist at all...

For my buddy, jeremy n my god sis esther, they always quarrel... i'm always in the middle, trying to help out in their problems... but when i disappear n leave them alone, they get together, again... like i nvr exist... for mabel... when ever i be with her n try to cheer her up she got alot of problems n look so sad... even she seems happi, she's like acting... after i disappear for awhile, she seems to be with her bf so happily... first time i saw her laughing so happi on the photo... first time i felt tt her bf seems not bad... haha like i nvr exist...

I see her... now stuck in the problem... she hurt me... realli hurts... my existence is so strong for her... i dun wan her to go the wrong way... so wat's the wrong way? being with her fucking jerk bf? ya right... jasmine already prove to me tt, she's more happy to be with a fucking jerk.... but i just scare to let go my hand... but after thinking of my existence for a while.... i think i should get my hands off n support her..." yea go with ur bf... do watever he wans n watever he likes... non of my fuck problems already... no matter how painful i feel it's the same... go go go... yeah i support u la... till u think u need me then come look for me... just hope tt the time nvr comes n even it comes, it's not too late..." Y i quit ritz... cos my existence just seems useless...leaving them dun make a difference or even they will be better... so i leave... But i think i still had a little use... tt's y there's ppl making use of me all the time...

So... Wat's my existence for... must well i nvr been borned... ya maybe my dad is right.... he said tt, he wanted a boy n a gal... my bro n my sis... then accidentally i'm here... he said... i'm extra... yea... he's right... think i should realli disappear till i know wat's the use of my existence...

"If it's not too late...

I will be here protecting u...

Trust me...

And the future,

I will think it out for u..."

Chapter90: Wat a pain

2005-10-21T00:06:00.000+08:00

I can realli feel the pain now... wanted to act normal when i read her blog... but my throat seems kinda give way... pretend i'm coughing... the feeling's like u kanna tied up then some one holds ur ball n start turning... untill it went off... slowly slowly... ha.... wat a pain...
I change my point of living... into a much cruel n hypocrite way... no one will guess how i get into this... but i have to... not becos of tt pain onli... but is the truth i notice... maybe this is where everyone starts to change... but i change it abit to the extreme... tt's it... dun worry... i know wat to do... cos i like u so much... so do wat u wan... choice is urs... result is whether u r responsible of ur action or enjoy the fruit u planted... just if u regret... come to me... we can go coffee shop to have a good tok there... :>

Chapter89: Real Changes...

2005-10-20T17:18:00.000+08:00

U can't assure or estimate real changes with ur own set of point of view or historical examples... Then wat should we use? Real changes can't be predicted... just prepare for the worst...
Example, like no one can predict tt i can put my principal a side n betray someone for nothing... y? i also dunno... life is so funny... dun estimate urself with ur own point of view... i think maybe i dun understand myself well enough...
It's good to change... there's no good or bad sometimes... so friends around... pls be more careful... even ur families...

Chapter88: Gals on research...

2005-10-19T23:31:00.000+08:00

I said tt i'm doing research on gals... Found something... wat i say is wat i found these few days... may not be true n there's exceptions... Firstly, beautiful gals got mainly 2 type... 1 is lock guay another type is stupid gal... i dun wanna explain.... there's a possibility a gal have both characteristic... then for a stupid gal, they can do every fuck thing for their bf sometimes... while their bf r jerks... then opposite of these gals, r those clever one... but funny thing is normally these kind of clever ones r ugly one... or average one... dunno y... y r they clever... some is becos they had been stupid b4... n learn it from the hard way... some learn from others mistake...
Tt's part of the research... Guys r almost the same... dun over confident...

Chapter87: Born with talent n born without talent...

2005-10-19T23:22:00.000+08:00

Some ppl r born with a certain talent... some r born with very few talent... n some r born with alot alot of talent... but there's some talent to balance up all these ppl... It's the talent of hardwork... n sometimes with alot of talent in hardwork is a advantage for long run... Becos they force themselves to c through everything... n the thing just stuck in their mind... won't go off...
So, dun be sad if u found urself not talented in certain area... just think carefully n work all ur way out... u will be stronger eventually...

Chapter86: Darkness...

2005-10-19T23:01:00.000+08:00

I fall deep into the hell once again... I wanted to climb up... but was push once again... I nvr reach the light... He's too strong for me... I will nvr surpass him... Unless I change into a demon myself... Tt's wat up in my mind... should i? Arghhhhh!!!
6 days nvr write blog already... Alot of things happened... I choose to betray... Maybe tt's not the word... but it's tt meaning to me... n i was betrayed by someone i realli like... I tot so... but in the end it was not... but it stills hurt... y i like such a stupid gal... n i can do nothing... Tt's y i start doing research on stupid gals...
Not working in ritz anymore... betray them... just can't stand their pride n lousy standard... anyway i shouldn't be specialise in this location... so i decide to leave without a reason... haiz... no income... die liao... n i have to learn how to really survive in the working world... Haiz...
Gal gone, work gone... School work going down slope... but the hint is... Since work n gal i shouldn't care more... n my school work still haven't reach the end, y not put everything into studies...

Chapter85: Light

2005-10-13T13:29:00.000+08:00

I have nothing left... i lost everything... trust for everybody... love.... someone i really love had gone... becos of my useless... now... even my promise is gone... i break all my promises... i dun dare to make any promise... perharps wat's left is my principal... but i dun think tt's relyable... it's the end... but i seems to c light in front... before i can get to the light... i have to win the hell mode king... this time die liao... i can't really c the hope any more...

Chapter84: Holiday on battle field...

2005-10-11T10:49:00.000+08:00

haha... it's funny nowadays i didn't come n write blog after i had change my blog settings... dunno wat to write n i'm really tired... haha school starts for 3 weeks already, n i'm just behave like i'm still on holiday... everyday study play or sometimes after studying work then late in the night go watch movie eat supper or talk cock untill morning then straight away go study again... really shiack... haiz... should change this...
Ever heard, work but no play makes tom a dumb boy... haha but there's a limit to this ba... haha... so tired... later still have to go school...