Monday, October 31, 2005
Chapter98:Angry Factor...
I remember actualli... i used to be a angry factor... tt means i always make ppl angry unexpectedly... recently when i getting use of civilian life i found this... it's just how i tok la... forget it... if i realli do make u angry so easily, either there something wrong with u, or something wrong with me... change it or keep a distance... haiz.... watever...
5:33 PM

Chapter97: Happy Birthday, Sis!
Yesterday is my sis birthday... i decided to cook something for her... but she last min say she got performance... so cannot eat wat i cook... so i make a cake for her... i just learn how to make cheese cake... so i make for her...

Happy Birthday...

This is wat i cook for myself... alot...
5:20 PM

Saturday, October 29, 2005
Chapter96: Being urself...
I learn quite alot of things all this while... but i didn't learn one very basic thing... is how to be myself... i realli dunno... so hard to learn now... last time i always tolerate other ppl's mistakes... even ppl pissing me off i still try to tolerate... cos i was thinking tt maybe one day in the future i may need them... but is this the right way? i'm restricting myself from alot of things... i'm not happi...
I learn from a gal, Mabel, how to be myself... a indeed i'm happi... i give up acting is becos i dun wanna get rich... but stupid me just dun understands... wat i wan? skills n knowledge.... but if i just being mself n do wat ever i wani won't learn a thing also... so how? i dunno... i dun think tt little gal can teach me anything more... cos i won't be able to c her real person for the rest of my life... so... have to figure it mself already...
6:23 PM

Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Chapter95: Something's wrong...
Dunno wat to write actually... just come here to check my mail...Still feels down today... dunno y... something's wrong... there sad feeling still lingers around my heart... issit becos i dun have money? or issit becos i did my lousiest cooking for my whole IS life? or issit becos i'm lonely? or issit becos of her... something's wrong...I saw her photo... miss her still... but trying my best to pull away... i already admit my uselessness in this side of me... n i dun think i can do anything much to be better... onli way is to be with her... other ways r stupid... n still will make me sad... how? so i do nothing... n concentrate on wat i must do... but there feeling still lingering in my heart... it's the feeling of sadness... wat's this man... gotta be better tml i hope... maybe tml i will contact her once again for after 3-4 days...
9:49 PM

Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Chapter94: My existence, my destiny...
I believe everyone has their meaning of existence n their destiny... my turn had actually come... but will i suceed? i dunno... in this life there r alot of things u can do or u cannot do... for me... u just have to try n do the best... this is my life...Now i know y i can't win him... i know y i can't bring the smile he bring to her... cos we r on different parrallel... i know... but tt's the same as i m me n he is him... different route... so i will carry on for my own route... this is my life...This morning i found tt... the crave for her has increased... so funny... remember when in the starting i still can withdraw myself from this affair... but nvr predicted i will stuck this deep now... but i will still control this crave... this is my life...I will prove my existence... the stronger u r the stronger is ur existence... perhaps i realli have talent... i will do my best... hardworking is also a talent i believe... i will prove my existence to everyone in my life... this is my route... this is my life...
8:46 PM

Sunday, October 23, 2005
Chapter93: Depression...
I admit... This is the worst time i had been through... I realli consider this as depression... keke i'm even biting myself... i need mental rest...
Ade... this is the worst time i've been... u r not by my side... becos i nvr tell u to... even i had i dun think u will come... nvm... becos u too r sad but at least he's by ur side ba...
Ade... i had think this through n through... i should support wat u doing... but my heart just can't give up... it's all my heart...
So... this really tortures me... over n over again... but ting told me... it's not up to me to make the choice... no matter wat u do, i can't do anything except telling u over n over again... u r damn fan i guess...
Since, i can't make any decision... y am i still holding u back n telling u so many things tt u dun wan to hear... ya, i should let go... u should do wat u like... dun think of the future, just treasure wat u love...
Ade... i need u... but nvm... if one day u think tt u need me, just contact me... if it's still not too late then i will sure be there, waiting for u... n i promise i will love u more than u ever know...
Now then i know, how weak i can go... i think i have to cool myself down... my problems r not those whether i work hard anot then i can settle... i will just do wat i can do now... thanx for all ur care guys...
6:50 PM

Chapter92: Blue Label
This is me drinking blue label in the morning... expensive brandy... haha

11:41 AM

Chapter91: My existence...
Do my existence really an excess? sometime i think so... most probably everyone think before, y r they born... most probably fated to do something for someone n for urself, create something, destroy something, enjoy something, love someone, hate someone, or wat ever.... alot of possibility... but i believe wat i do is up to me always... fate is in my hand, n my hands create my fate... although often there's some other things or ppl tt will disturb my path, but i still make the final choice n i overcome the problem myself...
Life is always repeating... having problem n settle problem... so i ever wonder is there a system to settle one of the problem in life n follow the system without much changes... i create a system for work myself... dunno how long this will last... at least i realli put in the effort on doing something in life...
Seriously i'm sick n tired of living... do my existence have any real meaning? from the time i start to know things around me, i felt tt i'm pretty useless... beside i'm a "unhandicapped" person,other then tt, i think i'm a pretty good for nothing person... when i was young, no matter wat competition i go for, my group will normally be first or second counted from behind... even if i work realli hard... slowly grow up, i'm nvr number one... i tried so hard... or i didn't try enough... realli useless...
Growing even older, i tried to help ppl from relationships... i tot i indeed got help... once, i felt tt my existence is there... but later when i move a side, problems r all settled.... like evangeline, i tried to help her abit although i indeed like her a bit... i just want her to be happy... after awhile without contact, she get wat she wans... like i nvr exist at all...
For my buddy, jeremy n my god sis esther, they always quarrel... i'm always in the middle, trying to help out in their problems... but when i disappear n leave them alone, they get together, again... like i nvr exist... for mabel... when ever i be with her n try to cheer her up she got alot of problems n look so sad... even she seems happi, she's like acting... after i disappear for awhile, she seems to be with her bf so happily... first time i saw her laughing so happi on the photo... first time i felt tt her bf seems not bad... haha like i nvr exist...
I see her... now stuck in the problem... she hurt me... realli hurts... my existence is so strong for her... i dun wan her to go the wrong way... so wat's the wrong way? being with her fucking jerk bf? ya right... jasmine already prove to me tt, she's more happy to be with a fucking jerk.... but i just scare to let go my hand... but after thinking of my existence for a while.... i think i should get my hands off n support her..." yea go with ur bf... do watever he wans n watever he likes... non of my fuck problems already... no matter how painful i feel it's the same... go go go... yeah i support u la... till u think u need me then come look for me... just hope tt the time nvr comes n even it comes, it's not too late..." Y i quit ritz... cos my existence just seems useless...leaving them dun make a difference or even they will be better... so i leave... But i think i still had a little use... tt's y there's ppl making use of me all the time...
So... Wat's my existence for... must well i nvr been borned... ya maybe my dad is right.... he said tt, he wanted a boy n a gal... my bro n my sis... then accidentally i'm here... he said... i'm extra... yea... he's right... think i should realli disappear till i know wat's the use of my existence...
"If it's not too late...
I will be here protecting u...
Trust me...
And the future,
I will think it out for u..."
10:25 AM

Friday, October 21, 2005
Chapter90: Wat a pain
I can realli feel the pain now... wanted to act normal when i read her blog... but my throat seems kinda give way... pretend i'm coughing... the feeling's like u kanna tied up then some one holds ur ball n start turning... untill it went off... slowly slowly... ha.... wat a pain...
I change my point of living... into a much cruel n hypocrite way... no one will guess how i get into this... but i have to... not becos of tt pain onli... but is the truth i notice... maybe this is where everyone starts to change... but i change it abit to the extreme... tt's it... dun worry... i know wat to do... cos i like u so much... so do wat u wan... choice is urs... result is whether u r responsible of ur action or enjoy the fruit u planted... just if u regret... come to me... we can go coffee shop to have a good tok there... :>
12:06 AM

Thursday, October 20, 2005
Chapter89: Real Changes...
U can't assure or estimate real changes with ur own set of point of view or historical examples... Then wat should we use? Real changes can't be predicted... just prepare for the worst...Example, like no one can predict tt i can put my principal a side n betray someone for nothing... y? i also dunno... life is so funny... dun estimate urself with ur own point of view... i think maybe i dun understand myself well enough...It's good to change... there's no good or bad sometimes... so friends around... pls be more careful... even ur families...
5:18 PM

Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Chapter88: Gals on research...
I said tt i'm doing research on gals... Found something... wat i say is wat i found these few days... may not be true n there's exceptions... Firstly, beautiful gals got mainly 2 type... 1 is lock guay another type is stupid gal... i dun wanna explain.... there's a possibility a gal have both characteristic... then for a stupid gal, they can do every fuck thing for their bf sometimes... while their bf r jerks... then opposite of these gals, r those clever one... but funny thing is normally these kind of clever ones r ugly one... or average one... dunno y... y r they clever... some is becos they had been stupid b4... n learn it from the hard way... some learn from others mistake...Tt's part of the research... Guys r almost the same... dun over confident...
11:31 PM

Chapter87: Born with talent n born without talent...
Some ppl r born with a certain talent... some r born with very few talent... n some r born with alot alot of talent... but there's some talent to balance up all these ppl... It's the talent of hardwork... n sometimes with alot of talent in hardwork is a advantage for long run... Becos they force themselves to c through everything... n the thing just stuck in their mind... won't go off...So, dun be sad if u found urself not talented in certain area... just think carefully n work all ur way out... u will be stronger eventually...
11:22 PM

Chapter86: Darkness...
I fall deep into the hell once again... I wanted to climb up... but was push once again... I nvr reach the light... He's too strong for me... I will nvr surpass him... Unless I change into a demon myself... Tt's wat up in my mind... should i? Arghhhhh!!!6 days nvr write blog already... Alot of things happened... I choose to betray... Maybe tt's not the word... but it's tt meaning to me... n i was betrayed by someone i realli like... I tot so... but in the end it was not... but it stills hurt... y i like such a stupid gal... n i can do nothing... Tt's y i start doing research on stupid gals...Not working in ritz anymore... betray them... just can't stand their pride n lousy standard... anyway i shouldn't be specialise in this location... so i decide to leave without a reason... haiz... no income... die liao... n i have to learn how to really survive in the working world... Haiz...Gal gone, work gone... School work going down slope... but the hint is... Since work n gal i shouldn't care more... n my school work still haven't reach the end, y not put everything into studies...
11:01 PM

Thursday, October 13, 2005
Chapter85: Light
I have nothing left... i lost everything... trust for everybody... love.... someone i really love had gone... becos of my useless... now... even my promise is gone... i break all my promises... i dun dare to make any promise... perharps wat's left is my principal... but i dun think tt's relyable... it's the end... but i seems to c light in front... before i can get to the light... i have to win the hell mode king... this time die liao... i can't really c the hope any more...
1:29 PM

Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Chapter84: Holiday on battle field...
haha... it's funny nowadays i didn't come n write blog after i had change my blog settings... dunno wat to write n i'm really tired... haha school starts for 3 weeks already, n i'm just behave like i'm still on holiday... everyday study play or sometimes after studying work then late in the night go watch movie eat supper or talk cock untill morning then straight away go study again... really shiack... haiz... should change this...Ever heard, work but no play makes tom a dumb boy... haha but there's a limit to this ba... haha... so tired... later still have to go school...
10:49 AM

Thursday, October 06, 2005
Chapter83: Change ink
From this point onward, i will use This ink...
8:48 PM

Chapter82: Fate is in my hands
I ever heard of a story tt a person tt can be able to say out ppl's future will have a shorter life spend... The more they say the shorter is their life...Once upon a time, I went to old folks home to do some community service... I saw this old woman, offering me n another 2 friends a palm reading with the charge of 50 cents... It's abit alot for me... But just give her la... haha... I still remember wat she said... I will have two gals fall in love with me... If i didn't make the correct choice, they link up n harm me... WTF...N she said when i'm around middle age, i will grow very fat... haha... but she indeed teach me some of the technique of reading the palm... i onli can remember 2... Life n Love... cos it's most important for me...After tt day, i went back after 2 weeks to gain more community service points... She had just passed away... the next day we left... Is wat she said about our future is true or wat... Gives me this bad feeling... I tried not to believe in wat she says... but this feeling just lingers in my heart... As wat she taught me, my love line split into 3 main... although there r alot alot of small splits... then is like first one split out then the other 2 splits together... tt means earlier part of my life i will have one gal, then ending part i have 2 in one time... This lines nvr changes untill recently...All these lines in my palm will nvr change even if i try to cut them... Still nvr change... but dunno y it will change naturally... I'm trying not to believe in this but this is interesting... all my love lines have cross cuts... All 3... tt means I will end the relationships very soon after i had started them... And my Life line... Had been break open... Should mean i would die even faster... Haha wat the hell... I hate to say this, but maybe there's fate in life... But i nvr believe... Cos i believe I'm the one tt controls my fate...
7:08 PM

Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Chapter81: Done
Wahaha!!! Finally done!!! All the major fault had been settle for my blog... Yes... Hahaha... New start... All r well come to visit my blog ya... wahaha...
8:02 PM

Monday, October 03, 2005
Chapter80: Photos...
Haha finally i can put pic when as i like... so good... going to put more pics liao... hehe... soon will be the music n comment post... wait ya blog... once i got time i will repair u...
9:53 PM

Chapter79: Photo; Mabel
This is the most beautiful angel i c on earth...
9:44 PM

Chapter78: Another pain...
For a person tt give up of his life, nothing should really bothers him... but seriously... the pain tt's really for him is the sorrow of others...Physically still alive but nothing i can do to wipe her tears... just like dead... n so, another reason for me to die since i'm as good as dead...Someone up there should help her abit... even if u have to hurt me even more... as my body is for nothing much useful... n just to help her more... Pls... God... just for her n no one else... this is the promise i made... which haven't yet to be broken...
12:08 AM

Sunday, October 02, 2005
Chapter77: New blogskin!!!
Had been doing the blogskin for hours... just can't get it done... haiz... had too little knowledge for this... argh... but manage to do abit la... still not too lousy right? hope can edit the remainding errors to my likings... haha new shirt for u, bloggy... haha this should be the reward for my bloggy... cos i throw every shit thing to him... haha... take care ya bloggy... hope i can fully repair u...
11:59 PM

Saturday, October 01, 2005
Chapter76: Seed
I found it funny nowadays... when did i started this blog? y i started this? it's becos of my last x gf... i dunno should i call her tt... it's onli 3 days, although i knew her for more then 7 years... it's like i dunno wat... so much effort i put in... using my last hope, n everything is gone on the 3rd day... when i get to be close with her, the feeling is so different... i'm happy... so sweet... although abit sour though... but definately worth to put in the effort is wat i tot tt time... the pain i felt untill now is still in me... trying to forget the pain... but once i c things tt related to her, the feeling comes... dunno how to describe... just felt tt i'm very the bu xuang... especially when i saw her with other guys... i have no right to control... i shouldn't even think of controlling her... nowadays i didn't even look at her blog, where i c them everyday last time.....Of cos... seeing other gals making a fool out of them, i also feel the bu xuang-ness in me... but i may just shake my head n tt fuck up feeling will be gone... just for the 8 gals i had feeling for... once i knew the unpleasant things happening to them, tt feeling comes... just saying i like them should be enough... not up till love... 9 years ago from now... there's the first gal i liked... promises were made... n was broken... although i still feel the soar in me but it's not as strong as 9 years ago... maybe i know how to think as i grow up or maybe it's time... this kind of feeling is lighten... the sentence for breaking those promises had lighten... as i decide to accept any retribution tt had come back to me...I like them... although i say i loved them when we r together... but not love... i can feel... if saying love, n i break it, the sorrow will be forever... i will nvr forgive myself for breaking tt promise...~
I'm already throwing myself into the darkness now...
if i did it...
i will nvr have the chance to return...
~
Am i selfish? i'm shouldn't have the right to feel anything now... they r not mine... so... i have no right... perharps this is really the seed tt i planted last time... n now growing up into a bitter fruit tree...
After thinking for a night... i decided to give myself a chance to live on again... hope it's still not too late... after all there's lot's of ppl around me tt's care for me... i shouldn't be so irresponsible...
4:03 PM
