Sunday, October 23, 2005
Chapter91: My existence...
Do my existence really an excess? sometime i think so... most probably everyone think before, y r they born... most probably fated to do something for someone n for urself, create something, destroy something, enjoy something, love someone, hate someone, or wat ever.... alot of possibility... but i believe wat i do is up to me always... fate is in my hand, n my hands create my fate... although often there's some other things or ppl tt will disturb my path, but i still make the final choice n i overcome the problem myself...
Life is always repeating... having problem n settle problem... so i ever wonder is there a system to settle one of the problem in life n follow the system without much changes... i create a system for work myself... dunno how long this will last... at least i realli put in the effort on doing something in life...
Seriously i'm sick n tired of living... do my existence have any real meaning? from the time i start to know things around me, i felt tt i'm pretty useless... beside i'm a "unhandicapped" person,other then tt, i think i'm a pretty good for nothing person... when i was young, no matter wat competition i go for, my group will normally be first or second counted from behind... even if i work realli hard... slowly grow up, i'm nvr number one... i tried so hard... or i didn't try enough... realli useless...
Growing even older, i tried to help ppl from relationships... i tot i indeed got help... once, i felt tt my existence is there... but later when i move a side, problems r all settled.... like evangeline, i tried to help her abit although i indeed like her a bit... i just want her to be happy... after awhile without contact, she get wat she wans... like i nvr exist at all...
For my buddy, jeremy n my god sis esther, they always quarrel... i'm always in the middle, trying to help out in their problems... but when i disappear n leave them alone, they get together, again... like i nvr exist... for mabel... when ever i be with her n try to cheer her up she got alot of problems n look so sad... even she seems happi, she's like acting... after i disappear for awhile, she seems to be with her bf so happily... first time i saw her laughing so happi on the photo... first time i felt tt her bf seems not bad... haha like i nvr exist...
I see her... now stuck in the problem... she hurt me... realli hurts... my existence is so strong for her... i dun wan her to go the wrong way... so wat's the wrong way? being with her fucking jerk bf? ya right... jasmine already prove to me tt, she's more happy to be with a fucking jerk.... but i just scare to let go my hand... but after thinking of my existence for a while.... i think i should get my hands off n support her..." yea go with ur bf... do watever he wans n watever he likes... non of my fuck problems already... no matter how painful i feel it's the same... go go go... yeah i support u la... till u think u need me then come look for me... just hope tt the time nvr comes n even it comes, it's not too late..." Y i quit ritz... cos my existence just seems useless...leaving them dun make a difference or even they will be better... so i leave... But i think i still had a little use... tt's y there's ppl making use of me all the time...
So... Wat's my existence for... must well i nvr been borned... ya maybe my dad is right.... he said tt, he wanted a boy n a gal... my bro n my sis... then accidentally i'm here... he said... i'm extra... yea... he's right... think i should realli disappear till i know wat's the use of my existence...
"If it's not too late...
I will be here protecting u...
Trust me...
And the future,
I will think it out for u..."
10:25 AM
